Ill not pay a denier. What, will you make a younker of me? shall I not take mine case in mine inn but Ishall have my pocket picked? I have lost a seal-ring of my grandfather's worth forty mark. Hostess O Jesu, I have heard the prince tell him, I know not how oft, that ring was copper! FALSTAFF How! the prince is a Jack, a sneak-cup:
'sblood, an he were here, I would cudgel him like a dog, if he would say so.
Enter PRINCE HENRY and PETO, marching, and FALSTAFF meets them playing on his truncheon like a life How now, lad! is the wind in that door, i' faith?
must we all march? BARDOLPH Yea, two and two, Newgate fashion. Hostess My lord, I pray you, hear me. PRINCE HENRY What sayest thou, Mistress Quickly? How doth thy husband? I love him well; he is an honest man. Hostess Good my lord, hear me. FALSTAFF Prithee, let her alone, and list to me. PRINCE HENRY What sayest thou, Jack? FALSTAFF The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras and had my pocket picked: this house is turned bawdy-house; they pick pockets. PRINCE HENRY What didst thou lose, Jack? FALSTAFF Wilt thou believe me, Hal? three or four bonds of forty pound apiece, and a seal-ring of my grandfather's. PRINCE HENRY A trifle, some eight-penny matter. Hostess So I told him, my lord; and I said Iheard your grace say so: and, my lord, he speaks most vilely of you, like a foul-mouthed man as he is; and said he would cudgel you. PRINCE HENRY What! he did not? Hostess There's neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else. FALSTAFF There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune; nor no more truth in thee than in a drawn fox; and for womanhood, Maid Marian may be the deputy's wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing, go Hostess Say, what thing? what thing? FALSTAFF What thing! why, a thing to thank God on. Hostess I am no thing to thank God on, I would thou shouldst know it; I am an honest man's wife:
and, setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to call me so. FALSTAFF Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say otherwise. Hostess Say, what beast, thou knave, thou? FALSTAFF What beast! why, an otter. PRINCE HENRY An otter, Sir John! Why an otter? FALSTAFF Why, she's neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not where to have her. Hostess Thou art an unjust man in saying so:
thou or any man knows where to have me, thou knave, thou! PRINCE HENRY Thou sayest true, hostess; and he slanders thee most grossly. Hostess So he doth you, my lord; and said this other day you ought him a thousand pound. PRINCE HENRY Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound? FALSTAFF A thousand pound, Ha! a million: thy love is worth a million: thou owest me thy love. Hostess Nay, my lord, he called you Jack, and said he would cudgel you. FALSTAFF Did I, Bardolph? BARDOLPH Indeed, Sir John, you said so. FALSTAFF Yea, if he said my ring was copper. PRINCE HENRY I say 'tis copper: darest thou be as good as thy word now? FALSTAFF Why, Hal, thou knowest, as thou art but man, I dare:
but as thou art prince, I fear thee as I fear the roaring of a lion's whelp. PRINCE HENRY And why not as the lion? FALSTAFF The king is to be feared as the lion:
dost thou think I'll fear thee as I fear thy father? nay, an I do, I pray God my girdle break. PRINCE HENRY O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy knees! But, sirrah, there's no room for faith, truth, nor honesty in this bosom of thine; it is all filled up with guts and midriff. Charge an honest woman with picking thy pocket! why, thou whoreson, impudent, embossed rascal, if there were anything in thy pocket but tavern-reckonings, memorandums of bawdy-houses, and one poor penny-worth of sugar-candy to make thee long-winded, if thy pocket were enriched with any other injuries but these, Iam a villain: and yet you will stand to if; you will not pocket up wrong: art thou not ashamed? FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, Hal? thou knowest in the state of innocency Adam fell; and what should poor Jack Falstaff do in the days of villany? Thou seest Ihave more flesh than another man, and therefore more frailty. You confess then, you picked my pocket? PRINCE HENRY It appears so by the story. FALSTAFF Hostess, I forgive thee: go, make ready breakfast;love thy husband, look to thy servants, cherish thy guests: thou shalt find me tractable to any honest reason: thou seest I am pacified still. Nay, prithee, be gone.
Exit Hostess Now Hal, to the news at court: for the robbery, lad, how is that answered? PRINCE HENRY O, my sweet beef, I must still be good angel to thee: the money is paid back again. FALSTAFF O, I do not like that paying back; 'tis a double labour. PRINCE HENRY I am good friends with my father and may do any thing. FALSTAFF Rob me the exchequer the first thing thou doest, and do it with unwashed hands too. BARDOLPH Do, my lord. PRINCE HENRY I have procured thee, Jack, a charge of foot. FALSTAFF I would it had been of horse. Where shall I find one that can steal well? O for a fine thief, of the age of two and twenty or thereabouts! I am heinously unprovided. Well, God be thanked for these rebels, they offend none but the virtuous:
Ilaud them, I praise them. PRINCE HENRY Bardolph! BARDOLPH My lord? PRINCE HENRY Go bear this letter to Lord John of Lancaster, to my brother John; this to my Lord of Westmoreland.
Exit Bardolph Go, Peto, to horse, to horse; for thou and Ihave thirty miles to ride yet ere dinner time.
Exit Peto Jack, meet me to-morrow in the temple hall at two o'clock in the afternoon.
There shalt thou know thy charge; and there receive Money and order for their furniture.
The land is burning; Percy stands on high;And either we or they must lower lie.
Exit PRINCE HENRY FALSTAFF Rare words! brave world! Hostess, my breakfast, come!
O, I could wish this tavern were my drum!