a question to be asked. There is a thing, Harry, which thou hast often heard of and it is known to many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch, as ancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth the company thou keepest: for, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in drink but in tears, not in pleasure but in passion, not in words only, but in woes also: and yet there is a virtuous man whom Ihave often noted in thy company, but I know not his name. PRINCE HENRY What manner of man, an it like your majesty? FALSTAFF A goodly portly man, i' faith, and a corpulent; of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye and a most noble carriage; and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by'r lady, inclining to three score; and now Iremember me, his name is Falstaff: if that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then, peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in that Falstaff: him keep with, the rest banish. And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me, where hast thou been this month? PRINCE HENRY Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for me, and I'll play my father. FALSTAFF Depose me? if thou dost it half so gravely, so majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter's hare. PRINCE HENRY Well, here I am set. FALSTAFF And here I stand: judge, my masters. PRINCE HENRY Now, Harry, whence come you? FALSTAFF My noble lord, from Eastcheap. PRINCE HENRY The complaints I hear of thee are grievous. FALSTAFF 'Sblood, my lord, they are false: nay, I'll tickle ye for a young prince, i' faith. PRINCE HENRY Swearest thou, ungracious boy? henceforth ne'er look on me. Thou art violently carried away from grace:
there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an old fat man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft?
wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous, but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing? FALSTAFF I would your grace would take me with you: whom means your grace? PRINCE HENRY That villanous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan. FALSTAFF My lord, the man I know. PRINCE HENRY I know thou dost. FALSTAFF But to say I know more harm in him than in myself, were to say more than I know. That he is old, the more the pity, his white hairs do witness it;but that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked! if to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned:
if to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh's lean kine are to be loved. No, my good lord; banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins: but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant, being, as he is, old Jack Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry's company, banish not him thy Harry's company: banish plump Jack, and banish all the world. PRINCE HENRY I do, I will.
A knocking heard Exeunt Hostess, FRANCIS, and BARDOLPHRe-enter BARDOLPH, running BARDOLPH O, my lord, my lord! the sheriff with a most monstrous watch is at the door. FALSTAFF Out, ye rogue! Play out the play: I have much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.
Re-enter the Hostess Hostess O Jesu, my lord, my lord! PRINCE HENRY Heigh, heigh! the devil rides upon a fiddlestick:
what's the matter? Hostess The sheriff and all the watch are at the door: they are come to search the house. Shall I let them in? FALSTAFF Dost thou hear, Hal? never call a true piece of gold a counterfeit: thou art essentially mad, without seeming so. PRINCE HENRY And thou a natural coward, without instinct. FALSTAFF I deny your major: if you will deny the sheriff, so; if not, let him enter: if I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up!
I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as another. PRINCE HENRY Go, hide thee behind the arras: the rest walk up above. Now, my masters, for a true face and good conscience. FALSTAFF Both which I have had: but their date is out, and therefore I'll hide me. PRINCE HENRY Call in the sheriff.
Exeunt all except PRINCE HENRY and PETO
Enter Sheriff and the Carrier Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me? Sheriff First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry Hath follow'd certain men unto this house. PRINCE HENRY What men? Sheriff One of them is well known, my gracious lord, A gross fat man. Carrier As fat as butter. PRINCE HENRY The man, I do assure you, is not here;For I myself at this time have employ'd him.
And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee That I will, by to-morrow dinner-time, Send him to answer thee, or any man, For any thing he shall be charged withal:
And so let me entreat you leave the house. Sheriff I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks. PRINCE HENRY It may be so: if he have robb'd these men, He shall be answerable; and so farewell. Sheriff Good night, my noble lord. PRINCE HENRY I think it is good morrow, is it not? Sheriff Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o'clock.
Exeunt Sheriff and Carrier PRINCE HENRY This oily rascal is known as well as Paul's. Go, call him forth. PETO Falstaff!--Fast asleep behind the arras, and snorting like a horse. PRINCE HENRY Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search his pockets.
He searcheth his pockets, and findeth certain papers What hast thou found? PETO Nothing but papers, my lord. PRINCE HENRY Let's see what they be: read them. PETO [Reads] Item, A capon,. . 2s. 2d.
Item, Sauce,. . . 4d.
Item, Sack, two gallons, 5s. 8d.
Item, Anchovies and sack after supper, 2s. 6d.
Item, Bread, ob. PRINCE HENRY O monstrous! but one half-penny-worth of bread to this intolerable deal of sack! What there is else, keep close; we'll read it at more advantage:
there let him sleep till day. I'll to the court in the morning. We must all to the wars, and thy place shall be honourable. I'll procure this fat rogue a charge of foot; and I know his death will be a march of twelve-score. The money shall be paid back again with advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning; and so, good morrow, Peto.
Exeunt PETO Good morrow, good my lord.