BATH,November 11,O.S.1752
MY DEAR FRIEND:It is a very old and very true maxim,that those kings reign the most secure and the most absolute,who reign in the hearts of their people.Their popularity is a better guard than their army,and the affections of their subjects a better pledge of their obedience than their fears.This rule is,in proportion,full as true,though upon a different scale,with regard to private people.A man who possesses that great art of pleasing universally,and of gaining the affections of those with whom he converses,possesses a strength which nothing else can give him:a strength which facilitates and helps his rise;and which,in case of accidents,breaks his fall.Few people of your age sufficiently consider this great point of popularity;and when they grow older and wiser,strive in vain to recover what they have lost by their negligence.
There are three principal causes that hinder them from acquiring this useful strength:pride,inattention,and 'mauvaise honte'.The first Iwill not,I cannot suspect you of;it is too much below your understanding.You cannot,and I am sure you do not think yourself superior by nature to the Savoyard who cleans your room,or the footman who cleans your shoes;but you may rejoice,and with reason,at the difference that fortune has made in your favor.Enjoy all those advantages;but without insulting those who are unfortunate enough to want them,or even doing anything unnecessarily that may remind them of that want.For my own part,I am more upon my guard as to my behavior to my servants,and others who are called my inferiors,than I am toward my equals:for fear of being suspected of that mean and ungenerous sentiment of desiring to make others feel that difference which fortune has,and perhaps too,undeservedly,made between us.Young people do not enough attend to this;and falsely imagine that the imperative mood,and a rough tone of authority and decision,are indications of spirit and courage.
Inattention is always looked upon,though sometimes unjustly,as the effect of pride and contempt;and where it is thought so,is never forgiven.In this article,young people are generally exceedingly to blame,and offend extremely.Their whole attention is engrossed by their particular set of acquaintance;and by some few glaring and exalted objects of rank,beauty,or parts;all the rest they think so little worth their care,that they neglect even common civility toward them.
I will frankly confess to you,that this was one of my great faults when I was of your age.Very attentive to please that narrow court circle in which I stood enchanted,I considered everything else as bourgeois,and unworthy of common civility;I paid my court assiduously and skillfully enough to shining and distinguished figures,such as ministers,wits,and beauties;but then I most absurdly and imprudently neglected,and consequently offended all others.By this folly I made myself a thousand enemies of both ***es;who,though I thought them very insignificant,found means to hurt me essentially where I wanted to recommend myself the most.I was thought proud,though I was only imprudent.A general easy civility and attention to the common run of ugly women,and of middling men,both which I sillily thought,called,and treated,as odd people,would have made me as many friends,as by the contrary conduct I made myself enemies.All this too was 'a pure perte';for I might equally,and even more successfully,have made my court,when I had particular views to gratify.I will allow that this task is often very unpleasant,and that one pays,with some unwillingness,that tribute of attention to dull and tedious men,and to old and ugly women;but it is the lowest price of popularity and general applause,which are very well worth purchasing were they much dearer.I conclude this head with this advice to you:Gain,by particular assiduity and address,the men and women you want;and,by an universal civility and attention,please everybody so far as to have their good word,if not their goodwill;or,at least,as to secure a partial neutrality.
'Mauvaise honte'not only hinders young people from ******,a great many friends,but makes them a great many enemies.They are ashamed of doing the thing they know to be right,and would otherwise do,for fear of the momentary laugh of some fine gentleman or lady,or of some 'mauvais plaisant'.I have been in this case:and have often wished an obscure acquaintance at the devil,for meeting and taking notice of me when I was in what I thought and called fine company.I have returned their notice shyly,awkwardly,and consequently offensively;for fear of a momentary joke,not considering,as I ought to have done,that the very people who would have joked upon me at first,would have esteemed me the more for it afterward.An example explains a rule best:Suppose you were walking in the Tuileries with some fine folks,and that you should unexpectedly meet your old acquaintance,little crooked Grierson;what would you do?