GREENWICH,June 13,O.S.1751.
MY DEAR FRIEND:'Les bienseances'--[This single word implies decorum,good-breeding,and propriety]--are a most necessary part of the knowledge of the world.They consist in the relations of persons,things,time,and place;good sense points them out,good company perfects them (supposing always an attention and a desire to please),and good policy recommends them.
Were you to converse with a king,you ought to be as easy and unembarrassed as with your own valet de chambre;but yet,every look,word and action,should imply the utmost respect.What would be proper and well-bred with others,much your superiors,would be absurd and ill-bred with one so very much so.You must wait till you are spoken to;you must receive,not give,the subject of conversation;and you must even take care that the given subject of such conversation do not lead you into any impropriety.The art would be to carry it,if possible,to some indirect flattery;such as commending those virtues in some other person,in which that prince either thinks he does,or at least would be thought by others to excel.Almost the same precautions are necessary to be used with ministers,generals,etc.,who expect to be treated with very near the same respect as their masters,and commonly deserve it better.There is,however,this difference,that one may begin the conversation with them,if on their side it should happen to drop,provided one does not carry it to any subject upon which it is improper either for them to speak,or be spoken to.In these two cases,certain attitudes and actions would be extremely absurd,because too easy,and consequently disrespectful.As,for instance,if you were to put your arms across in your bosom,twirl your snuff-box,trample with your feet,scratch your head,etc.,it would be shockingly ill-bred in that company;and,indeed,not extremely well-bred in any other.The great difficulty in those cases,though a very surmountable one by attention and custom,is to join perfect inward ease with perfect outward respect.
In mixed companies with your equals (for in mixed companies all people are to a certain degree equal),greater ease and liberty are allowed;but they too have their bounds within 'bienseance'.There is a social respect necessary:you may start your own subject of conversation with modesty,taking great care,however,'de ne jamais parler de cordes.
dans la maison d'un pendu.--[Never to mention a rope in the family of a man who has been hanged]--Your words,gestures,and attitudes,have a greater degree of latitude,though by no means an unbounded one.You may have your hands in your pockets,take snuff,sit,stand,or occasionally walk,as you like;but I believe you would not think it very 'bienseant'
to whistle,put on your hat,loosen your garters or your buckles,lie down upon a couch,or go to bed,and welter in an easychair.These are negligences and freedoms which one can only take when quite alone;they are injurious to superiors,shocking and offensive to equals,brutal and insulting to inferiors.That easiness of carriage and behavior,which is exceedingly engaging,widely differs from negligence and inattention,and by no means implies that one may do whatever one pleases;it only means that one is not to be stiff,formal,embarrassed,disconcerted,and ashamed,like country bumpkins,and,people who have never been in good company;but it requires great attention to,and a scrupulous observation of 'les bienseances':whatever one ought to do,is to be done with ease and unconcern;whatever is improper must not be done at all.In mixed companies also,different ages and ***es are to be differently addressed.
You would not talk of your pleasures to men of a certain age,gravity,and dignity;they justly expect from young people a degree of deference and regard.You should be full as easy with them as with people of your own years:but your manner must be different;more respect must be implied;and it is not amiss to insinuate that from them you expect to learn.It flatters and comforts age for not being able to take a part in the joy and titter of youth.To women you should always address yourself with great outward respect and attention,whatever you feel inwardly;their *** is by long prescription entitled to it;and it is among the duties of 'bienseance';at the same time that respect is very properly and very agreeably mixed with a degree of 'enjouement',if you have it;but then,that badinage must either directly or indirectly tend to their praise,and even not be liable to a malicious construction to their disadvantage.But here,too,great attention must be had to the difference of age,rank,and situation.A 'marechale'of fifty must not be played with like a young coquette of fifteen;respect and serious 'enjouement',if I may couple those two words,must be used with the former,and mere 'badinage,zeste meme d'un peu de polissonerie',is pardonable with the latter.