DEAR Boy:My last was upon the subject of good-breeding;but I think it rather set before you the unfitness and disadvantages of ill-breeding,than the utility and necessity of good;it was rather negative than positive.This,therefore,should go further,and explain to you the necessity,which you,of all people living,lie under,not only of being positively and actively well-bred,but of shining and distinguishing yourself by your good-breeding.Consider your own situation in every particular,and judge whether it is not essentially your interest,by your own good-breeding to others,to secure theirs to you and that,let me assure you,is the only way of doing it;for people will repay,and with interest too,inattention with inattention,neglect with neglect,and ill manners with worse:which may engage you in very disagreeable affairs.In the next place,your profession requires,more than any other,the nicest and most distinguished good-breeding.You will negotiate with very little success,if you do not previously,by your manners,conciliate and engage the affections of those with whom you are to negotiate.Can you ever get into the confidence and the secrets of the courts where you may happen to reside,if you have not those pleasing,insinuating manners,which alone can procure them?Upon my word,I do not say too much,when I say that superior good-breeding,insinuating manners,and genteel address,are half your business.Your knowledge will have but very little influence upon the mind,if your manners prejudice the heart against you;but,on the other hand,how easily will you DUPE the understanding,where you have first engaged the heart?and hearts are by no means to be gained by that mere common civility which everybody practices.Bowing again to those who bow to you,answering dryly those who speak to you,and saying nothing offensive to anybody,is such negative good-breeding that it is only not being a brute;as it would be but a very poor commendation of any man's cleanliness to say that he did not stink.It is an active,cheerful,officious,seducing,good-breeding that must gain you the good-will and first sentiments of men,and the affections of the women.You must carefully watch and attend to their passions,their tastes,their little humors and weaknesses,and 'aller au devant'.You must do it at the same time with alacrity and 'empressement',and not as if you graciously condescended to humor their weaknesses.
For instance,suppose you invited anybody to dine or sup with you,you ought to recollect if you had observed that they had any favorite dish,and take care to provide it for them;and when it came you should say,You SEEMED TO ME,AT SUCH AND SUCH A PLACE,TO GIVE THIS DISH APREFERENCE,AND THEREFORE I ORDERED IT;THIS IS THE WINE THAT I OBSERVEDYOU LIKED,AND THEREFORE I PROCURED SOME.The more trifling these things are,the more they prove your attention for the person,and are consequently the more engaging.Consult your own breast,and recollect how these little attentions,when shown you by others,flatter that degree of self-love and vanity from which no man living is free.Reflect how they incline and attract you to that person,and how you are propitiated afterward to all which that person says or does.The same causes will have the same effects in your favor.Women,in a great degree,establish or destroy every man's reputation of good-breeding;you must,therefore,in a manner,overwhelm them with these attentions:they are used to them,they expect them,and,to do them justice,they commonly requite them.You must be sedulous,and rather over officious than under,in procuring them their coaches,their chairs,their conveniences in public places:not see what you should not see;and rather assist,where you cannot help seeing.Opportunities of showing these attentions present themselves perpetually;but if they do not,make them.As Ovid advises his lover,when he sits in the Circus near his mistress,to wipe the dust off her neck,even if there be none:'Si nullus,tamen excute nullum'.Your conversation with women should always be respectful;but,at the same time,enjoue,and always addressed to their vanity.Everything you say or do should convince them of the regard you have (whether you have it or not)for their beauty,their wit,or their merit.Men have possibly as much vanity as women,though of another kind;and both art and good-breeding require,that,instead of mortifying,you should please and flatter it,by words and looks of approbation.Suppose (which is by no means improbable)that,at your return to England,I should place you near the person of some one of the royal family;in that situation,good-breeding,engaging address,adorned with all the graces that dwell at courts,would very probably make you a favorite,and,from a favorite,a minister;but all the knowledge and learning in the world,without them,never would.The penetration of princes seldom goes deeper than the surface.
It is the exterior that always engages their hearts;and I would never advise you to give yourself much trouble about their understanding.