LONDON,November 3,O.S.1749.
DEAR BOY:From the time that you have had life,it has been the principle and favorite object of mine,to make you as perfect as the imperfections of human nature will allow:in this view,I have grudged no pains nor expense in your education;convinced that education,more than nature,is the cause of that great difference which you see in the characters of men.While you were a child,I endeavored to form your heart habitually to virtue and honor,before your understanding was capable of showing you their beauty and utility.Those principles,which you then got,like your grammar rules,only by rote,are now,I am persuaded,fixed and confirmed by reason.And indeed they are so plain and clear,that they require but a very moderate degree of understanding,either to comprehend or practice them.Lord Shaftesbury says,very prettily,that he would be virtuous for his own sake,though nobody were to know it;as he would be clean for his own sake,though nobody were to see him.I have therefore,since you have had the use of your reason,never written to you upon those subjects:they speak best for themselves;and I should now just as soon think of warning you gravely not to fall into the dirt or the fire,as into dishonor or vice.This view of mine,I consider as fully attained.My next object was sound and useful learning.My own care first,Mr.Harte's afterward,and OF LATE (I will own it to your praise)your own application,have more than answered my expectations in that particular;and,I have reason to believe,will answer even my wishes.
All that remains for me then to wish,to recommend,to inculcate,to order,and to insist upon,is good-breeding;without which,all your other qualifications will be lame,unadorned,and to a certain degree unavailing.And here I fear,and have too much reason to believe,that you are greatly deficient.The remainder of this letter,therefore,shall be (and it will not be the last by a great many)upon that subject.
A friend of yours and mine has very justly defined good-breeding to be,THE RESULT OF MUCH GOOD SENSE,SOME GOOD NATURE,AND A LITTLE SELF-DENIALFOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS,AND WITH A VIEW TO OBTAIN THE SAME INDULGENCEFROM THEM.Taking this for granted (as I think it cannot be disputed),it is astonishing to me that anybody who has good sense and good nature (and I believe you have both),can essentially fail in good-breeding.
As to the modes of it,indeed,they vary according to persons,and places,and circumstances;and are only to be acquired by observation and experience:but the substance of it is everywhere and eternally the same.
Good manners are,to particular societies,what good morals are to society in general;their cement and their security.And,as laws are enacted to enforce good morals,or at least to prevent the ill effects of bad ones;so there are certain rules of civility,universally implied and received,to enforce good manners and punish bad ones.And,indeed,there seems to me to be less difference,both between the crimes and between the punishments than at first one would imagine.The immoral man,who invades another man's property,is justly hanged for it;and the ill-bred man,who,by his ill-manners,invades and disturbs the quiet and comforts of private life,is by common consent as justly banished society.Mutual complaisances,attentions,and sacrifices of little conveniences,are as natural an implied compact between civilized people,as protection and obedience are between kings and subjects;whoever,in either case,violates that compact,justly forfeits all advantages arising from it.For my own part,I really think,that next to the consciousness of doing a good action,that of doing a civil one is the most pleasing;and the epithet which I should covet the most,next to that of Aristides,would be that of well-bred.Thus much for good-breeding in general;I will now consider some of the various modes and degrees of it.
Very few,scarcely any,are wanting in the respect which they should show to those whom they acknowledge to be infinitely their superiors;such as crowned heads,princes,and public persons of distinguished and eminent posts.It is the manner of showing that respect which is different.The man of fashion and of the world,expresses it in its fullest extent;but naturally,easily,and without concern:whereas a man,who is not used to keep good company,expresses it awkwardly;one sees that he is not used to it,and that it costs him a great deal:but I never saw the worst-bred man living guilty of lolling,whistling,scratching his head,and such-like indecencies,in company that he respected.In such companies,therefore,the only point to be attended to is to show that respect,which everybody means to show,in an easy,unembarrassed,and graceful manner.This is what observation and experience must teach you.
In mixed companies,whoever is admitted to make part of them,is,for the time at least,supposed to be upon a footing of equality with the rest: