In a maze of ways beyond the stage I lost myself, but eventually, guided by voices, came to a large room furnished barely with many chairs and worn settees, and here I found some twenty to thirty ladies and gentlemen already seated. They were of varying ages, sizes and appearance, but all of them alike in having about them that impossible-to-define but impossible-to-mistake suggestion of theatricality. The men were chiefly remarkable for having no hair on their faces, but a good deal upon their heads; the ladies, one and all, were blessed with remarkably pink and white complexions and exceptionally bright eyes. The conversation, carried on in subdued but penetrating voices, was chiefly of "him" and "her." Everybody appeared to be on an affectionate footing with everybody else, the terms of address being "My dear," "My love," "Old girl," "Old chappie," Christian names--when name of any sort was needful--alone being employed. I hesitated for a minute with the door in my hand, fearing I had stumbled upon a family gathering. As, however, nobody seemed disconcerted at my entry, I ventured to take a vacant seat next to an extremely small and boyish-looking gentleman and to ask him if this was the room in which I, an applicant for a place in the chorus of the forthcoming comic opera, ought to be waiting.
He had large, fishy eyes, with which he looked me up and down. For such a length of time he remained thus regarding me in silence that a massive gentleman sitting near, who had overheard, took it upon himself to reply in the affirmative, adding that from what he knew of Butterworth we would all of us be waiting here a damned sight longer than any gentleman should keep other ladies and gentlemen waiting for no reason at all.
"I think it exceedingly bad form," observed the fishy-eyed gentleman, in deep contralto tones, "for any gentleman to take it upon himself to reply to a remark addressed to quite another gentleman."
"I beg your pardon," retorted the large gentleman. "I thought you were asleep."
"I think it very ill manners," remarked the small gentlemen in the same slow and impressive tones, "for any gentleman to tell another gentleman, who happens to be wide awake, that he thought he was asleep."
"Sir," returned the massive gentleman, assuming with the help of a large umbrella a quite Johnsonian attitude, "I decline to alter my manners to suit your taste."
"If you are satisfied with them," replied the small gentleman, "I cannot help it. But I think you are ****** a mistake."
"Does anybody know what the opera is about?" asked a bright little woman at the other end of the room.
"Does anybody ever know what a comic opera is about?" asked another lady, whose appearance suggested experience.
"I once asked the author," observed a weary-looking gentleman, speaking from a corner. "His reply was: 'Well, if you had asked me at the beginning of the rehearsals I might have been able to tell you, but damned if I could now![']"
"It wouldn't surprise me," observed a good-looking gentleman in a velvet coat, "if there occurred somewhere in the proceedings a drinking chorus for male voices."
"Possibly, if we are good," added a thin lady with golden hair, "the heroine will confide to us her love troubles, which will interest us and excite us."
The door at the further end of the room opened and a name was cal[l]ed. An elderly lady rose and went out.
"Poor old Gertie!" remarked sympathetically the thin lady with the golden hair. "I'm told that she really had a voice once."
"When poor young Bond first came to London," said the massive gentleman who was sitting on my left, "I remember his telling me he applied to Lord Barrymore's 'tiger,' Alexander Lee, I mean, of course, who was then running the Strand Theatre, for a place in the chorus.
Lee heard him sing two lines, and then jumped up. 'Thanks, that'll do; good morning,' says Lee. Bond knew he had got a good voice, so he asked Lee what was wrong. 'What's wrong?' shouts Lee. 'Do you think I hire a chorus to show up my principals?'"
"Having regard to the company present," commented the fishy-eyed gentleman, "I consider that anecdote as distinctly lacking in tact."
The feeling of the company appeared to be with the fish-eyed young man.
For the next half hour the door at the further end of the room continued to open and close, devouring, ogre-fashion, each time some dainty human morsel, now chorus gentleman, now chorus lady.
Conversation among our thinning ranks became more fitful, a growing anxiety ****** for silence.
At length, "Mr. Horace Moncrieff" called the voice of the unseen Charon. In common with the rest, I glanced round languidly to see what sort of man "Mr. Horace Moncrieff" might be. The door was pushed open further. Charon, now revealed as a pale-faced young man with a drooping moustache, put his head into the room and repeated impatiently his invitation to the apparently coy Moncrieff. It suddenly occurred to me that I was Mr. Horace Moncrieff.
"So glad you've found yourself," said the pale-faced young man, as I joined him at the door. "Please don't lose yourself again; we're rather pressed for time."
I crossed with him through a deserted refreshment bar--one of the saddest of sights--into a room beyond. A melancholy-looking gentleman was seated at the piano. Beside him stood a tall, handsome man, who was opening and reading rapidly from a bundle of letters he held in his hand. A big, burly, bored-looking gentleman was ****** desperate efforts to be amused at the staccato conversation of a sharp-faced, restless-eyed gentleman, whose peculiarity was that he never by any chance looked at the person to whom he was talking, but always at something or somebody else.
"Moncrieff?" enquired the tall, handsome man--whom I later discovered to be Mr. Hodgson, the manager--without raising his eyes from his letters.
The pale-faced gentleman responded for me.
"Fire away," said Mr. Hodgson.
"What is it?" asked of me wearily the melancholy gentleman at the piano.