书城外语英语PARTY——趣味拼盘
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第17章 Super Humour超级无厘头(5)

“Don,t worry.”Mr. Carruthers said.“I put it all back in your cashbox, all six thousand. We,re just finishing up the audit now.” George turned cold with fear.

Behind them, the door opened and Mr. Bell, the chief auditor, put his head into the room.“Mr.Burrows,” he said gravely,“may I see you a moment?”

欢迎到我们银行来

“我真希望中央银行遭劫。”乔治·皮肯斯自言自语道。自从他在这家银行当上出纳以来,天天都这样希望。

全国的银行都被抢了,怎么不抢这家?他越想越不是滋味儿。难道强盗们看不上这里400万美元的资金?还是他们怕这里的老警卫阿克门先生?他已经22年没掏出他的枪了。

当然,乔治有理由盼望这个银行遭劫。毕竟,他不可能把他整天经手的大捆大捆的钞票就这么拿走。于是,他想出了另一个法子把它们弄到手。他的计划很简单,大致如下:

假如强盗甲劫持了银行出纳员乙……假设乙把一定数额的钱交给了甲……

那么又有什么能阻止乙把剩下的钱全部私吞,然后就说所有的钱都被甲抢走了呢?问题只有一个,强盗甲在哪儿?

一天早晨,乔治走进银行时觉得似乎要出事。“早晨好,伯罗斯先生。”他高兴地向经理问候,经理嘀咕了什么就走进了自己的办公室。

两点钟的时候,强盗甲走进了银行。乔治知道他是抢银行的强盗,原因之一是他进来时鬼鬼祟祟,二是他戴着面具。

“这是抢劫!”那家伙粗暴地说。他从口袋里掏出手枪。警卫发出了一点儿声响。“你,”强盗说:“趴在地上!”阿克门先生趴下了。强盗走到乔治的窗口前。

“好,把钱交出来!”

“是,先生,”乔治答应着:“你要10元一张的还是20元一张的?”

“交出来就行了!”

乔治把手伸进装现金的盒子,把顶层的钞票都拿了出来——有6000元左右。他把钱从窗口递出来。强盗抓住钱塞进口袋,转身就跑。

当大伙都盯着强盗甲的时候,出纳乙沉着地把盒子里下层的钞票偷偷塞进了自己的口袋。

强盗跑了。乔治晕倒在地。当他醒来时,朝那一张张焦急地瞧着他的脸微笑。“我没事。”他勇敢地说。

“也许你应该回家去,乔治。”首席审计员贝尔先生说。

乔治刚刚安然走进自己的卧室,就在门后,从口袋里掏出钱来数。他有7000美元了,真高兴。

第二天早晨,乔治来到银行。银行没有营业,但全体职员都来了,正在协助贝尔先生进行特别查账,审核银行记录。

乔治被叫进了伯罗斯先生的办公室。这位银行经理似乎出人意料地高兴。“乔治,”他说:“我想让你见一下我们银行的前任经理卡拉瑟斯先生。”

“早上好,乔治,”卡拉瑟斯先生说:“听说你昨天晕倒了,我很难过。你现在好了吗?”

“是的,先生。全好了,谢谢!”

“我很高兴你没事了。那确实是非同一般的冒险,这件事说明抢咱们银行真容易!”

“您说什么?”乔治有些迷惑不解。

“乔治,很抱歉昨天让你经历了一段难挨的时刻。因为近来所有银行都遭到了抢劫,我觉得想个办法证明咱们的银行也会被抢,倒是个不坏的主意。我已经退休了,可我并没停止思索。这就是为什么昨天我搞了个小游戏,只不过是为了让每个人保持警觉。”

“我不明白,”乔治说:“什么游戏?”

这位老人笑了,嗖地一下拿出一个面具,把它戴在自己脸上,说:“好,把钱交出来!”伯罗斯先生哈哈大笑,乔治可笑不出来。

“那钱?”乔治小声问。

“别担心,”卡拉瑟斯先生说:“我已经把钱全放回你的现金盒子里了,一共6000。我们就要查完账了!”乔治吓得浑身冰凉。

他们身后那扇门开了,首席审计员贝尔先生把头伸了进来。“伯罗斯先生,”他严肃地说:“您能出来一下吗?”

A Talking Dog

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog for five dollars.“This is a talking dog.” He said.“Stop behaving stupidly,” the neighbor replied,“how can a beast like that talk? Or you mean bark?” Suddenly, the dog looked up and said with tears in his eyes,“Please buy me, Sir. This man is mean. He keeps me in a barn and I have to sleep in a barrel. He feeds me only beans and never walks me to the bay, and the only toy I have is a waste battery. Basically speaking, he treats me like a beggar. On the basis of his behavior,I,m sure he,ll abuse me with his baseball bat one day. And mind you, I hate his ugly beard. I used to be the richest trick dog in the country, and have the best bearing, too. I can jump over the highest barrier and barrel over any high beam. I attended the Animals Olympics on behalf of the country. I had so many fans who loved me so much that my body guards had trouble keeping them at bay.” The dog beamed with pride.“Hey,”said the neighbor,“he can talk! How come you want to sell him for just five dollars?”“I,m selling him on my own behalf.I,m getting tired of his lies, which have a bearing on my kids, too, and wish he would only talk with a bark.” the seller said.

一只会说话的狗

一个人想把自己养了不久的狗以5美元的价格卖给他的邻居。他说:“这是条会说话的狗。”他的邻居说:“别傻了!动物怎么能说话?你是说它会叫吧?”突然,狗抬起头,含着眼泪说:“请买下我吧,先生。这个人又卑鄙又自私。他把我关在谷仓里,我只能睡在一只桶里。他只给我豆子吃,从来不带我去海湾散步。我唯一的玩具就是一节废电池。从根本上说,他待我就像对待乞丐一样。根据他的表现,我敢肯定,早晚有一天他会用棒球棒打我。告诉你,我还讨厌他那难看的胡须。我曾是全国最富有的表演狗,风度也是最棒的。我能跳过最高的障碍,快速在高高的横梁上移动,我还曾代表国家参加了动物奥运会。我的狗迷不计其数,它们非常喜欢我,我的保镖要费好大的劲儿才能使它们无法接近我。”狗骄傲地说,面露喜色。邻居说:“嗨!它真的会说话!那你怎么只卖5美元呢?”卖狗的人说:“我要卖掉它是为了我自己。我讨厌它谎话连篇,这对我的孩子也有不良影响。我倒希望它只会叫。”

Don,t Eat That Fish

Dr. Sylvia Earle wants you to stop eating fish. It,s not because fish are endangeredendangered adj.(生命等)有危险的,有灭绝危险的,将要绝种的, though wild fish stocks in many oceans are very low. It,s not because they,re bad for you, though fish in many areas are exposed to poisonous substancessubstance n.物质, 实质, 主旨 in the water. It,s because they,re smart.

“Fish are sensitive, they have personalitiespersonality n.个性, 人格, 人物, 名人, (用复数)诽谤、人身攻击,” says the marine biologist. For Earle, eating a fish would be like eating a dog or a cat. “I would never eat anyone I know personallypersonally adv.亲自.”

Theres a lot more to fish than meets the eye: they talk to each other, they like to be touched, and they engage inengage in v.使从事于, 参加 behavior that can seem very human. They can remember things and learn from experience. Earle and a growing number of animal rights activistsactivist n.激进主义分子, 行动主义分子 see these as strong arguments against eating fish altogether.

The activists also point out that fish feel pain and fish suffer horribly on their way from the sea to the supermarket. “While it may seem obviousobvious adj.明显的, 显而易见的 that fish are able to feel pain, like every other animal, some people think of fish as swimming vegetables,” says Dr. Lynne Sneddon. “Really, it,s kind of a moral question. Is the enjoyment you get from fishing (or eating fish) more important than the pain of the fish?”

Fishermen and (fried) fish lovers are skepticalskeptical adj.怀疑性的,好怀疑的,(口)无神论的. “Ive never seen a smart fish,” says Marie Swaringen as she finishes off a plate of fish at a Seattle seafood restaurant. “If they were very smart, they wouldn,t get caught.”

“For years, everyones been telling us to eat fish because its so good for us,” says another diner. “Now I,ve got to feel guiltyguilty adj.犯罪的, 有罪的, 心虚的 while I,m eating my fish? What are they going to think of next? Don,t eat salad because cucumbers have feelings?”

别吃聪明鱼

西尔维娅·厄尔博士希望你别再吃鱼了。这不是因为鱼濒临绝种,虽说很多海洋中野生鱼的存量都已经很少了。这也不是因为鱼对你有坏处,虽说很多地区的鱼都暴露在水里的有毒物质中。不吃鱼的原因是它们很聪明。

“鱼很敏感,它们是有个性的。”这位海洋生物学家说。对厄尔而言,吃鱼就像吃狗或猫一样。“我不会吃任何我个人认识的生物。”

鱼并不像看起来那样简单:它们会彼此交谈,它们喜欢被抚触,它们的行为很像人类。它们记得事情,也会从经验中学习。总之,厄尔和越来越多的拥护动物权利的积极分子把这些事情视为反对吃鱼的有力理由。

这些积极分子还指出,鱼会感觉到疼痛,鱼在从大海到超市的途中承受了极大的痛苦。“鱼跟其他动物一样能够感觉到痛楚,虽说这是显而易见的事,但有些人却把鱼视为会游泳的蔬菜。”琳·雪登博士说,“事实上,这是一种道德上的问题,你从钓鱼(或吃鱼)中得到的享受比鱼的痛苦还要重要吗?”

渔夫们和爱吃(炸)鱼的人很怀疑。“我从来没见过什么聪明的鱼。”玛莉·斯瓦林根在西雅图一家海鲜餐厅吃完一盘鱼以后说,“如果它们很聪明,它们就不会被抓到了。”

“多年以来,每个人都叫我们吃鱼,因为这对我们很有益处。”另一位用餐的人说,“现在我就得在自己吃鱼的时候觉得罪过了吗?他们接下来还会想出些什么来?不要吃沙拉,因为小黄瓜是有感觉的吗?”