The manner in which I passed my time at Bossey was so agreeable to my disposition, that it only required a longer duration absolutely to have fixed my character, which would have had only peaceable, affectionate, benevolent sentiments for its basis.I believe no individual of our kind ever possessed less natural vanity than myself.
At intervals, by an extraordinary effort, I arrived at sublime ideas, but presently sunk again into my original languor.To be beloved by every one who knew me was my most ardent wish.I was naturally mild, my cousin was equally so, and those who had the care of us were of similar dispositions.Everything contributed to strengthen those propensities which nature had implanted in my breast, and during the two years I was neither the victim nor witness of any violent emotions.
I knew nothing so delightful as to see every one content; not only with me, but all that concerned them.When repeating our catechi** at church, nothing could give me greater vexation, on being obliged to hesitate, than to see Miss Lambercier's countenance express disapprobation and uneasiness.This alone was more afflicting to me than the shame of faltering before so many witnesses, which, notwithstanding, was sufficiently painful; for though not over-solicitous of praise, I was feelingly alive to shame; yet I can truly affirm, the dread of being reprimanded by Miss Lambercier alarmed me less than the thought of ****** her uneasy.
Neither she nor her brother were deficient in a reasonable severity, but as this was scarce ever exerted without just cause, I was more afflicted at their disapprobation than the punishment.Certainly the method of treating youth would be altered if the distant effects, this indiscriminate, and frequently indiscreet method produces, were more conspicuous.I would willingly excuse myself from a further explanation, did not the lesson this example conveys (which points out an evil as frequent as it is pernicious) forbid my silence.
As Miss Lambercier felt a mother's affection, she sometimes exerted a mother's authority, even to inflicting on us, when we deserved it, the punishment of infants.She had often threatened it, and this threat of a treatment entirely new, appeared to me extremely dreadful; but I found the reality much less terrible than the idea, and what is still more unaccountable, this punishment increased my affection for the person who had inflicted it.All this affection, aided by my natural mildness, was scarcely sufficient to prevent my seeking, by fresh offenses, a return of the same chastisement; for a degree of sensuality had mingled with the smart and shame, which left more desire than fear of a repetition.I was well convinced the same discipline from her brother would have produced a quite contradictory effect; but from a man of his disposition this was not probable, and if I abstained from meriting correction, it was merely from a fear of offending Miss Lambercier, for benevolence, aided by the passions, has ever maintained an empire over me which has given law to my heart.
This event, which, though desirable, I had not endeavored to accelerate, arrived without my fault; I should say, without my seeking; and I profited by it with a safe conscience; but this second, was also the last time, for Miss Lambercier, who doubtless had some reason to imagine this chastisement did not produce the desired effect, declared it was too fatiguing, and that she renounced it for the future.Till now we had slept in her chamber, and during the winter, even in her bed; but two days after another room was prepared for us.
Who would believe this childish discipline, received at eight years old, from the hand of a woman of thirty, should influence my propensities, my desires, my passions, for the rest of my life, and that in quite a contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected? The very incident that inflamed my senses, gave my desires such an extraordinary turn, that, confined to what I had already experienced, I sought no further, and, with blood boiling with sensuality almost from my birth, preserved my purity beyond the age when the coldest constitutions lose their sensibility; long tormented, without knowing by what, I gazed on every handsome woman with delight;imagination incessantly brought their charms to my remembrance, only to transform them into so many Miss Lamberciers.Even after having attained the marriageable age this odd taste still continued and drove me nearly to depravity and madness.
If ever education was perfectly chaste, it certainly that Ireceived; my three aunts were of exemplary prudence.My father, it is true, loved pleasure, but his gallantry was rather of the last than the present century.At M.Lambercier's a good maidservant was discharged for having once made use of an expression before us which was thought to contain some degree of indelicacy.I entertained a particular aversion for courtesans, nor could I look on a rake without a degree of disdain mingled with terror.My aversion for lewdness went so far, since one day I walked through a hollow in the road at Petit Sacconez; I saw on both sides cavities in the earth and was told that it was there the people did their pairing.When I thought of it, it came to my mind, that I had seen dogs in a similar situation, and my heart revolted at the remembrance.