which I could imagine he suspected my happiness; and I should have thought him completely deceived, had not Madam de Larnage, who was more clear-sighted than myself, assured me of the contrary; but he was a well-bred man, and it was impossible to behave with more attention, or greater civility, than he constantly paid me (notwithstanding his satirical sallies), especially after my success, which, as he was unacquainted with my stupidity, he perhaps gave me the honor of achieving.It has already been seen that he was mistaken in this particular; but no matter, I profited by his error, for being conscious that the laugh was on my side, I took all his sallies in good part, and sometimes parried them with tolerable success; for, proud of the reputation of wit which Madam de Larnage had thought fit to discover in me, I no longer appeared the same man.
We were both in a country and season of plenty, and had everywhere excellent cheer, thanks to the good cares of the marquis; though Iwould willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more satisfied with the situation of our chambers; but he always sent his footman on to provide them; and whether of his own accord, or by the order of his master, the rogue always took care that the marquis'
chamber should be close by Madam de Larnage's, while mine was at the further end of the house: but that made no great difference, or perhaps it rendered our rendezvous the more charming; this happiness lasted four or five days, during which time I was intoxicated with delight, which I tasted pure and serene without any alloy; an advantage I could never boast before; and, I may add, it is owing to Madam de Larnage that I did not go out of the world without having tasted real pleasure.
If the sentiment I felt for her was not precisely love, it was at least a very tender return of that she testified for me; our meetings were so delightful, that they possessed all the sweets of love; without that kind of delirium which affects the brain, and even tends to diminish our happiness.I never experienced true love but once in my life, and that was not with Madam de Larnage, neither did I feel that affection for her which I had been sensible of and yet continued to possess, for Madam de Warrens; but for this very reason, our tete-a-tetes were a hundred times more delightful.When with Madam de Warrens, my felicity was always disturbed by a secret sadness, a compunction of heart, which I found it impossible to surmount.Instead of being delighted at the acquisition of so much happiness, I could not help reproaching myself for contributing to render her I loved unworthy: on the contrary, with Madam de Larnage, Iwas proud to be a man and happy; I gave way to my sensual impulses confidently; I took part in the impressions I made on hers; Icontemplated my triumph with as much vanity as voluptuousness, and was doubly proud.
I do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis, who resided in this country, but I know we were alone on our arrival at Montelimar, where Madam de Larnage made her chambermaid get into my chaise, and accommodate me with a seat in hers.It will easily be believed, that traveling in this manner was by no means displeasing to me, and that I should be very much puzzled to give any account of the country we passed through.She had some business at Montelimar, which detained her there two or three days; during this time she quitted me but one-quarter of an hour, for a visit she could not avoid.We walked together every day, in the most charming country, and under the finest sky imaginable.Oh! these three days! what reason have I to regret them! Never did such happiness return again.
The amours of a journey cannot be very durable: it was necessary we should part, and I must confess it was almost time; not that Iwas weary of my happiness, or nearly so; I became every day more attached to her; but notwithstanding all the consideration the lady had shown me, there was nothing left me but the good will.We endeavored to comfort each other for the pain of parting, by forming plans for our reunion; and it was concluded, that after staying five or six weeks at Montpellier (which would give Madam de Larnage time to prepare for my reception in such a manner as to prevent scandal) Ishould return to Saint-Andiol, and spend the winter under her direction.She gave me ample instruction on what it was necessary Ishould know, on what it would be proper to say, and how I should conduct myself.She wished me to correspond with her, and spoke much and earnestly on the care of my health, conjured me to consult skillful physicians, and be attentive and exact in following their prescriptions whatever they might happen to be.I believe her concern was sincere, for she loved me, and gave a thousand proofs of her affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her favors; for judging by my mode of traveling, that I was not in very affluent circumstances (though not rich herself), on our paring, she would have had me share the contents of her purse, which she had brought pretty well furnished from Grenoble, and it was with great difficulty I could make her put up with a denial.In a word, we parted; my heart full of her idea, and leaving in hers (if I am not mistaken) a firm attachment to me.
While pursuing the remainder of my journey, remembrance ran over everything that had passed from the commencement of it, and I was well satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable chaise, where Icould ruminate at ease on the pleasures I had enjoyed, and those which awaited my return.I only thought of Saint-Andiol of the life I was to lead there; I saw nothing but Madam de Larnage, or what related to her; the whole universe besides was nothing to me- even Madam de Warrens was forgotten!- I set about combining all the details by which Madam de Larnage had endeavored to give me in advance an idea of her house, of the neighborhood, of her connections, and manner of life, finding everything charming.