"Gomer Chephoraod, live for ever! It appears to thy servants that of all the productions of the earth good wine is the best, and bad wine is the worst.Good wine makes the heart cheerful, the eyes bright, the speech ready.Bad wine confuses the head, disorders the stomach, makes us quarrelsome at night, and sick the next morning.Now therefore let my lord the king take order that thy servants may drink good wine.
"And how is this to be done?" said the good-natured prince.
"O King," said his monitor, "this is most easy.Let the king make a decree, and seal it with his royal signet: and let it be proclaimed that the king will give ten she-asses, and ten slaves, and ten changes of raiment, every year, unto the man who shall make ten measures of the best wine.And whosoever wishes for the she-asses, and the slaves, and the raiment, let him send the ten measures of wine to thy servants, and we will drink thereof and judge.So shall there be much good wine in Assyria."The project pleased Gomer Chephoraod."Be it so," said he.The people shouted.The petitioners prostrated themselves in gratitude.The same night heralds were despatched to bear the intelligence to the remotest districts of Assyria.
After a due interval the wines began to come in; and the examiners assembled to adjudge the prize.The first vessel was unsealed.Its odour was such that the judges, without tasting it, pronounced unanimous condemnation.The next was opened: it had a villainous taste of clay.The third was sour and vapid.
They proceeded from one cask of execrable liquor to another, till at length, in absolute nausea, they gave up the investigation.
The next morning they all assembled at the gate of the king, with pale faces and aching heads.They owned that they could not recommend any competitor as worthy of the rewards.They swore that the wine was little better than poison, and entreated permission to resign the office of deciding between such detestable potions.
"In the name of Belus, how can this have happened?" said the king.
Merolchazzar, the high-priest, muttered something about the anger of the Gods at the toleration shown to a sect of impious heretics who ate pigeons broiled, "whereas," said he, "our religion commands us to eat them roasted.Now therefore, O King,"continued this respectable divine, "give command to thy men of war, and let them smite the disobedient people with the sword, them, and their wives, and their children, and let their houses, and their flocks, and their herds, be given to thy servants the priests.Then shall the land yield its increase, and the fruits of the earth shall be no more blasted by the vengeance of Heaven.""Nay," said the king, "the ground lies under no general curse from Heaven.The season has been singularly good.The wine which thou didst thyself drink at the banquet a few nights ago, Ovenerable Merolchazzar, was of this year's vintage.Dost thou not remember how thou didst praise it? It was the same night that thou wast inspired by Belus and didst reel to and fro, and discourse sacred mysteries.These things are too hard for me.Icomprehend them not.The only wine which is bad is that which is sent to my judges.Who can expound this to us?"The king scratched his head.Upon which all the courtiers scratched their heads.
He then ordered proclamation to be made that a purple robe and a golden chain should be given to the man who could solve this difficulty.
An old philosopher, who had been observed to smile rather disdainfully when the prize had first been instituted, came forward and spoke thus:--"Gomer Chephoraod, live for ever! Marvel not at that which has happened.It was no miracle, but a natural event.How could it be otherwise? It is true that much good wine has been made this year.But who would send it in for thy rewards? Thou knowest Ascobaruch who hath the great vineyards in the north, and Cohahiroth who sendeth wine every year from the south over the Persian Golf.Their wines are so delicious that ten measures thereof are sold for an hundred talents of silver.Thinkest thou that they will exchange them for thy slaves and thine asses?
What would thy prize profit any who have vineyards in rich soils?""Who then," said one of the judges, "are the wretches who sent us this poison?""Blame them not," said the sage, "seeing that you have been the authors of the evil.They are men whose lands are poor, and have never yielded them any returns equal to the prizes which the king proposed.Wherefore, knowing that the lords of the fruitful vineyards would not enter into competition with them they planted vines, some on rocks, and some in light sandy soil, and some in deep clay.Hence their wines are bad.For no culture or reward will make barren land bear good vines.Know therefore, assuredly, that your prizes have increased the quantity of bad but not of good wine."There was a long silence.At length the king spoke."Give him the purple robe and the chain of gold.Throw the wines into the Euphrates; and proclaim that the Royal Society of Wines is dissolved."...