They are worth more than you are, as I shall prove. First of all they wash all their wool in warm water, according to the ancient practice; you will never see them changing their method. Ah! if Athens only acted thus, if it did not take delight in ceaseless innovations, would not its happiness be assured? Then the women sit down to cook, just as they always did; they carry things on their head just as they always did; they keep the Thesmophoria, just as they always did; they knead their cakes just as they always did; they make their husbands angry just as they always did; they receive their lovers in their houses just as they always did; they buy dainties just as they always did; they love unmixed wine just as they always did; they delight in being loved just as they always did. Let us therefore hand Athens over to them without endless discussions, without bothering ourselves about what they will do;let us simply hand them over the power, remembering that they are mothers and will therefore spare the blood of our soldiers; besides, who will know better than a mother how to forward provisions to the front? Woman is adept at getting money for herself and will not easily let herself be deceived; she understands deceit too well herself. Iomit a thousand other advantages. Take my advice and you will live in perfect happiness.
FIRST WOMAN
How beautiful this is, my dearest Praxagora, how clever! But where, pray, did you learn all these pretty things?
PRAXAGORA
When the countryfolk were seeking refuge in the city, I lived on the Pnyx with my husband, and there I learnt to speak through listening to the orators.
FIRST WOMAN
Then, dear, it's not astonishing that you are so eloquent and clever, henceforward you shall be our leader, so put your great ideas into execution. But if Cephalus belches forth insults against you, what answer will you give him in the Assembly?
PRAXAGORA
I shall say that he is drivelling.
FIRST WOMAN
But all the world knows that.
PRAXAGORA
I shall furthermore say that he is a raving madman.
FIRST WOMAN
There's nobody who does not know that.
PRAXAGORA
That he, as excellent a statesman as he is, is a clumsy potter.
FIRST WOMAN
And if the blear-eyed Neoclides comes to insult you?
PRAXAGORA
To him I shall say, "Go and look at a dog's arse."FIRST WOMAN
And if they fly at you?
PRAXAGORA
Oh! I shall shake them off as best I can; never fear, I know how to use this too!
FIRST WOMAN
But there is one thing we don't think of. If the Scythians drag you away, what will you do?
PRAXAGORA
With my arms akimbo like this, I will never, never let myself be taken round the middle.
FIRST WOMAN
If they seize you, we will bid them let you go.
SECOND WOMAN
That's the best way. But how are we going to remember to lift our arms in the Assembly when it's our legs we are used to lifting?
PRAXAGORA
It's difficult; yet it must be done, and the arm shown naked to the shoulder in order to vote. Quick now, put on these tunics and these Laconian shoes, as you see the men do each time they go to the Assembly or for a walk. When this is done, fix on your beards, and when they are arranged in the best way possible, dress yourselves in the cloaks you have stolen from your husbands; finally start off, leaning on your staffs and singing some old man's song as the villagers do.
FIRST WOMAN
Well spoken; and let us hurry to get to the Pnyx before the women from the country, for they will no doubt not fail to come there.
PRAXAGORA
Quick, quick, for it's the custom that those who are not at the Pnyx early in the morning return home empty-handed.
(PRAXAGORA and the FIRST and SECOND WOMEN depart; those who are left behind form the CHORUS.)LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Move forward, citizens, move forward; let us not forget to give ourselves this name and may that of woman never slip out of our mouths; woe to us, if it were discovered that we had laid such a plot in the darkness of night.
CHORUS (singing)
Let us go to the Assembly then, fellow-citizens; for the Thesmothetes have declared that only those who arrive at daybreak with haggard eye and covered with dust, without having snatched time to eat anything but a snack of garlic-pickle, shall alone receive the triobolus. Walk up smartly, Charitimides, Smicythus and Draces, and do not fail in any point of your part; let us first demand our fee and then vote for all that may perchance be useful for our partisans....
Ah! what am I saying? I meant to say, for our fellow-citizens. Let us drive away these men of the city who used to stay at home and chatter round the table in the days when only an obolus was paid, whereas now one is stifled by the crowds at the Pnyx. No! during the archonship of generous Myronides, none would have dared to let himself be paid for the trouble he spent over public business; each one brought his own meal of bread, a couple of onions, three olives and some wine in a little wine-skin. But nowadays we run here to earn the three obols, for the citizen has become as mercenary as the stonemason.
(The CHORUS marches away. BLEPYRUS appears in the doorway of his house, wearing PRAXAGORA's Persian sandals and saffron robe.)BLEPYRUS
What does this mean? My wife has vanished! it is nearly daybreak and she does not return! I had to take a crap! I woke up and hunted in the darkness for my shoes and my cloak; but grope where I would, Icouldn't find them. Meanwhile Mr. O'Shit was already knocking on the door and I had only just time to seize my wife's little mantle and her Persian slippers. But where shall I find a place where I can take a crap? Bah! One place is as good as another at night-time; no one will see me. Ah! what a damned fool I was to take a wife at my age, and how I could thrash myself for having acted so stupidly! It's certainty she's not gone out for any honest purpose. But the thing to do now is to take a crap.
(He squats.)
A MAN (looking out of the window of the house next door)Who's that? Is that not my neighbour Blepyrus? Why, yes, it's no other. Tell me, what's all that yellow about you? Can it be Cinesias who has befouled you so?
BLEPYRUS