What shall I talk about? My idea is this: to instruct the audience about Robert Fulton, and.....Tell me-was that his real name, or was it his nom de plume? However, never mind, it is not important--I can skip it, and the house will think I knew all about it, but forgot.Could you find out for me if he was one of the Signers of the Declaration, and which one? But if it is any trouble, let it alone, I can skip it.Was he out with Paul Jones? Will you ask Horace Porter? And ask him if he brought both of them home.These will be very interesting facts, if they can be established.But never mind, don't trouble Porter, I can establish them anyway.The way I look at it, they are historical gems--gems of the very first water.
Well, that is my idea, as I have said: first, excite the audience with a spoonful of information about Fulton, then quiet down with a barrel of illustration drawn by memory from my books--and if you don't say anything the house will think they never heard of it before, because people don't really read your books, they only say they do, to keep you from feeling bad.Next, excite the house with another spoonful of Fultonian fact, then tranquilize them again with another barrel of illustration.And so on and so on, all through the evening; and if you are discreet and don't tell them the illustrations don't illustrate anything, they won't notice it and I will send them home as well-informed about Robert Fulton as I am myself.Don't be afraid; I know all about audiences, they believe everything you say, except when you are telling the truth.
Truly yours, S.L.CLEMENS.
P.S.Mark all the advertisements "Private and Confidential," otherwise the people will not read them.
M.T.
DEAR MR.CLEMENS,--How long shall you talk? I ask in order that we may be able to say when carriages may be called.
Very Truly yours, HUGH GORDON MILLER, Secretary.
DEAR MR.MILLER,--I cannot say for sure.It is my custom to keep on talking till I get the audience cowed.Sometimes it takes an hour and fifteen minutes, sometimes I can do it in an hour.
Sincerely yours, S.L.CLEMENS.
Mem.My charge is 2 boxes free.Not the choicest--sell the choicest, and give me any 6-seat boxes you please.
S.L.C.
I want Fred Grant (in uniform) on the stage; also the rest of the officials of the Association; also other distinguished people--all the attractions we can get.Also, a seat for Mr.Albert Bigelow Paine, who may be useful to me if he is near me and on the front.
S.L.C.
The seat chosen for the writer of these notes was to be at the front of the stage in order that the lecturer might lean over now and then and pretend to be asking information concerning Fulton.I was not entirely happy in the thought of this showy honor, and breathed more freely when this plan was abandoned and the part assigned to General Grant.
The lecture was given in Carnegie Hall, which had been gayly decorated for the occasion.The house was more than filled, and a great sum of money was realized for the fund.
It was that spring that Gorky and Tchaikowski, the Russian revolutionists, came to America hoping to arouse interest in their cause.The idea of the overthrow of the Russian dynasty was pleasant to Mark Twain.Few things would have given him greater comfort than to have known that a little more than ten years would see the downfall of Russian imperialism.The letter which follows was a reply to an invitation from Tchaikowski, urging him to speak at one of the meetings.
DEAR MR.TCHAIKOWSKI,--I thank you for the honor of the invitation, but I am not able to accept it, because on Thursday evening I shall be presiding at a meeting whose object is to find remunerative work for certain classes of our blind who would gladly support themselves if they had the opportunity.
My sympathies are with the Russian revolution, of course.It goes without saying.I hope it will succeed, and now that I have talked with you I take heart to believe it will.Government by falsified promises;by lies, by treacheries, and by the butcher-knife for the aggrandizement of a single family of drones and its idle and vicious kin has been borne quite long enough in Russia, I should think, and it is to be hoped that the roused nation, now rising in its strength, will presently put an end to it and set up the republic in its place.Some of us, even of the white headed, may live to see the blessed day when Czars and Grand Dukes will be as scarce there as I trust they are in heaven.
Most sincerely yours, MARK TWAIN.
There came another summer at Dublin, New Hampshire, this time in the fine Upton residence on the other slope of Monadnock, a place of equally beautiful surroundings, and an even more extended view.
Clemens was at this time working steadily on his so-called Autobiography, which was not that, in fact, but a series of remarkable chapters, reminiscent, reflective, commentative, written without any particular sequence as to time or subject-matter.He dictated these chapters to a stenographer, usually in the open air, sitting in a comfortable rocker or pacing up and down the long veranda that faced a vast expanse of wooded slope and lake and distant blue mountains.It became one of the happiest occupations of his later years.
To W.D.Howells, in Maine:
DUBLIN, Sunday, June 17, '06.
DEAR HOWELLS,--.....The dictating goes lazily and pleasantly on.With intervals.I find that I have been at it, off and on, nearly two hours a day for 155 days, since Jan.9.To be exact I've dictated 75 hours in 80days and loafed 75 days.I've added 60,000 words in the month that I've been here; which indicates that I've dictated during 20 days of that time--40 hours, at an average of 1,500 words an hour.It's a plenty, and I am satisfied.
There's a good deal of "fat" I've dictated, (from Jan.9) 210,000 words, and the "fat" adds about 50,000 more.