"Then you are expected, please go up stairs.""But indeed we are not expected--please let us have the book and--""Her Royal Highness will be back in a very little while--she commanded me to tell you so--and you must wait."Well, the soldiers were there close by--there was no use trying to resist--so we followed the servant up; but when he tried to beguile us into a drawing-room, Livy drew the line; she wouldn't go in.And she wouldn't stay up there, either.She said the princess might come in at any moment and catch us, and it would be too infernally ridiculous for anything.So we went down stairs again--to my unspeakable regret.For it was too darling a comedy to spoil.I was hoping and praying the princess would come, and catch us up there, and that those other Americans who were expected would arrive, and be taken for impostors by the portier, and shot by the sentinels--and then it would all go into the papers, and be cabled all over the world, and make an immense stir and be perfectly lovely.And by that time the princess would discover that we were not the right ones, and the Minister of War would be ordered out, and the garrison, and they would come for us, and there would be another prodigious time, and that would get cabled too, and--well, Joe, I was in a state of perfect bliss.But happily, oh, so happily, that big portier wouldn't let us out--he was sorry, but he must obey orders--we must go back up stairs and wait.Poor Livy--I couldn't help but enjoy her distress.She said we were in a fix, and how were we going to explain, if the princess should arrive before the rightful Americans came? We went up stairs again--laid off our wraps, and were conducted through one drawing room and into another, and left alone there and the door closed upon us.
Livy was in a state of mind! She said it was too theatrically ridiculous; and that I would never be able to keep my mouth shut; that Iwould be sure to let it out and it would get into the papers--and she tried to make me promise--"Promise what?" I said-- "to be quiet about this? Indeed I won't--it's the best thing that ever happened; I'll tell it, and add to it; and I wish Joe and Howells were here to make it perfect; I can't make all the rightful blunders myself--it takes all three of us to do justice to an opportunity like this.I would just like to see Howells get down to his work and explain, and lie, and work his futile and inventionless subterfuges when that princess comes raging in here and wanting to know." But Livy could not hear fun--it was not a time to be trying to be funny--we were in a most miserable and shameful situation, and if--Just then the door spread wide and our princess and 4 more, and 3 little princes flowed in! Our princess, and her sister the Archduchess Marie Therese (mother to the imperial Heir and to the young girl Archduchesses present, and aunt to the 3 little princes)--and we shook hands all around and sat down and had a most sociable good time for half an hour--and by and by it turned out that we were the right ones, and had been sent for by a messenger who started too late to catch us at the hotel.We were invited for 2 o'clock, but we beat that arrangement by an hour and a half.
Wasn't it a rattling good comedy situation? Seems a kind of pity we were the right ones.It would have been such nuts to see the right ones come, and get fired out, and we chatting along comfortably and nobody suspecting us for impostors.
We send lots and lots of love.
MARK.
The reader who has followed these pages has seen how prone Mark Twain was to fall a victim to the lure of a patent-right--how he wasted several small fortunes on profitless contrivances, and one large one on that insatiable demon of intricacy and despair, the Paige type-setter.It seems incredible that, after that experience and its attending disaster, he should have been tempted again.But scarcely was the ink dry on the receipts from his creditors when he was once more borne into the clouds on the prospect of millions, perhaps even billions, to be made from a marvelous carpet-pattern machine, the invention of Sczezepanik, an Austrian genius.That Clemens appreciated his own tendencies is shown by the parenthetic line with which he opens his letter on the subject to Mr.Rogers.
Certainly no man was ever a more perfect prototype of Colonel Sellers than the creator of that lovely, irrepressible visionary.
To Mr.Rogers, in New York:
March 24, '98.
DEAR MR.ROGERS,--(I feel like Col.Sellers).
Mr.Kleinberg [agent for Sczezepanik] came according to appointment, at 8.30 last night, and brought his English-speaking Secretary.I asked questions about the auxiliary invention (which I call "No.2 ") and got as good an idea of it as I could.It is a machine.It automatically punches the holes in the jacquard cards, and does it with mathematical accuracy.It will do for $1 what now costs $3.So it has value, but "No.2" is the great thing(the designing invention.) It saves $9 out of $10 and the jacquard looms must have it.
Then I arrived at my new project, and said to him in substance, this:
"You are on the point of selling the No.2 patents to Belgium, Italy, etc.I suggest that you stop those negotiations and put those people off two or three months.They are anxious now, they will not be less anxious then--just the reverse; people always want a thing that is denied them.
"So far as I know, no great world-patent has ever yet been placed in the grip of a single corporation.This is a good time to begin.
"We have to do a good deal of guess-work here, because we cannot get hold of just the statistics we want.Still, we have some good statistics--and I will use those for a test.
"You say that of the 1500 Austrian textile factories, 800 use the jacquard.Then we will guess that of the 4,000 American factories 2,000use the jacquard and must have our No.2.
"You say that a middle-sized Austrian factory employs from 20 to 3o designers and pays them from 800 to 3,000 odd florins a year--(a florin is 2 francs).Let us call the average wage 1500 florins ($600).