'And so I am--very glad. Only you would take it as meaning what it does not mean, I would tell you, that of all my friends living away from the reach of my daily life, you are the one whose coming is ever the most pleasant to me.'
'Oh, Lily!'
'It was, I think, only yesterday that I was telling Grace that you are more like a brother to me than anyone else. I wish it might be so. Iwhich we might swear to be brother and sister. I'd do more for you then than walk across the fields with you to Guestwick Cottage. Your prosperity would then be the thing in the world for which I should be most anxious. And if you should marry--'
'It can never be like that between us,' said Johnny.
'Can it not? I think it can. Perhaps not this year, or next year;perhaps not in the next five years. But I make myself happy with thinking that it may be so some day. I shall wait for it patiently, very patiently, even though you should rebuff me again and again--as you have done now.'
'I have not rebuffed you.'
'Not maliciously, or injuriously, or offensively. I will be very patient and take little rebuffs without complaining. This is the worst of it all. When Grace and I are together we can never manage it without tearing ourselves all to pieces. It is much nicer to have you to help me.'
'Let me help you always,' he said, keeping her hands in his after he had aided her to jump from the stile to the ground.
'Yes, as my brother.'
'That is nonsense, Lily.'
'Is it nonsense? Nonsense is a hard word.'
'It is nonsense as coming from you to me. Lily, I sometimes think that I am persecuting you, writing to you, coming after you, as I am doing now--telling the same whining story--asking, asking, and asking for that which you say you will never give me. And then I feel ashamed of myself, and swear that I will do it no more.'
'Do not be ashamed of yourself; but yet do it no more.'
'And then,' he continued, without minding her words, 'at other times Ifeel that it must be my own fault; that if I only persevered with sufficient energy, I must be successful. At such times I swear I will never give it up.'
'Oh, John, if you could only know how little worthy of such pursuit it is.'
'Leave me to be the judge of that, dear. When a man has taken a month, or perhaps only a week, or perhaps not more than half-an-hour, to make up his mind, it may be very well to tell him that he doesn't know what he is about. I've been in the office now for over seven years, and the first day I went I put an oath into a book that I would come back and get you for my wife when I had got enough to live upon.'
'Did you, John?'
'Yes. I can show it to you. I used to come and hover about the place in the old days, before I went up to London, when I was such a fool that I couldn't speak to you if I met you. I am speaking of a time long before--before that man came down here.'
'Do not speak of him, John.'
'I must speak of him. A man isn't to hold his tongue when everything he has in the world is at stake. I suppose he loved you after a fashion, once.'
'Pray, pray, do not speak ill of him, John.'
'I am not going to abuse him. You can judge of him by his deeds. Icannot say anything worse of him than what they say. I suppose he loved you; but he certainly did not love you as I have done. I have at any rate been true to you. Yes, Lily, I have been true to you. I am true to you. He did not know what he was about. I do. I am justified in saying that I do. I want you to be my wife. It is no use your talking about it as though I only half wanted it.'
'I did not say that.'
'Is not a man to have any reward? Of course if you had married him there would have been an end of it. He had come in between me and my happiness, and I must have borne it, as other men bear such sorrows. But you have not married him; and, of course, I cannot but feel that I may yet have a chance. Lily, answer me this. Do you believe that I love you?' But she did not answer him. 'You can at any rate tell me that. Do you think that I am in earnest?'
'Yes, I think you are in earnest.'
'And do you believe that I love you with all my heart and all my strength and all my soul?'
'Oh, John!'
'But do you?'
'I think you love me.'
'Think! What am I to say or to do to make you understand that my only idea of happiness is the idea that sooner or later I may get you to be my wife? Lily, will you say that it shall be so? Speak, Lily. There is no one that will not be glad. Your uncle will consent--has consented.
Your mother wishes it. Bell wishes it. My mother wishes it. Lady Julia wishes it. You would be doing what everybody around you wants you to do.
And why should you not do it? It isn't that you dislike me. You wouldn't talk about being my sister, if you had not some sort of regard for me.'
'I have a regard for you.'
'Then why will you not be my wife? Oh, Lily, say the word now, here, at once. Say the word, and you'll make me the happiest fellow in all England.' As he spoke he took her by both arms, and held her fast. She did not struggle to get away from him, but stood quite still, looking into his face, while the first sparkle of a salt tear formed itself in each eye. 'Lily, one little word will do it--half a word, a nod, a smile. Just touch my arm with your hand and I will take it for a yes.' Ithink that she almost tried to touch him; that the word was in her throat, and that she almost strove to speak it. But there was no syllable spoken, and her fingers did not loose themselves to fall upon his sleeve. 'Lily, Lily, what can I say to you?'
'I wish I could,' she whispered;--but the whisper was so hoarse that he hardly recognized the voice.
'And why can you not? What is there to hinder you? There is nothing to hinder you, Lily.'
'Yes, John; there is that which must hinder me.'
'And what is it?'
'I will tell you. You are so good and so true, and so excellent --such a dear, dear friend, that I will tell you everything, so that you may read my heart. I will tell you as I tell mamma--you and her and no one else;--for you are the choice friend of my heart. I cannot be your wife because of the love I bear for another man.'
'And that man is he--he who came here?'