Mr. Pecksniff's professional engagements, indeed, were almost, if not entirely, confined to the reception of pupils; for the collection of rents, with which pursuit he occasionally varied and relieved his graver toils, can hardly be said to be a strictly architectural employment. His genius lay in ensnaring parents and guardians, and pocketing premiums. A young gentleman's premium being paid, and the young gentleman come to Mr. Pecksniff's house, Mr. Pecksniff borrowed his case of mathematical instruments (if silver-mounted or otherwise valuable); entreated him, from that moment, to consider himself one of the family; complimented him highly on his parents or guardians, as the case might be; and turned him loose in a spacious room on the two-pair front; where, in the company of certain drawing-boards, parallel rulers, very stiff-legged compasses, and two, or perhaps three, other young gentlemen, he improved himself, for three or five years, according to his articles, in ****** elevations of Salisbury Cathedral from every possible point of sight; and in constructing in the air a vast quantity of Castles, Houses of Parliament, and other Public Buildings. Perhaps in no place in the world were so many gorgeous edifices of this class erected as under Mr. Pecksniff's auspices; and if but one-twentieth part of the churches which were built in that front room, with one or other of the Miss Pecksniffs at the altar in the act of marrying the architect, could only be made available by the parliamentary commissioners, no more churches would be wanted for at least five centuries.
`Even the worldly goods of which we have just disposed,' said Mr. Pecksniff, glancing round the table when he had finished, `even cream, sugar, tea, toast, ham,--'
`And eggs,' suggested Charity in a low voice.
`And eggs,' said Mr. Pecksniff, `even they have their moral. See how they come and go! Every pleasure is transitory. We can't even eat, long.
If we indulge in harmless fluids, we get the dropsy; if in exciting liquids, we get drunk. What a soothing reflection is that!'
`Don't say we get drunk, Pa,' urged the eldest Miss Pecksniff.
`When I say we, my dear,' returned her father, `I mean mankind in general; the human race, considered as a body, and not as individuals. There is nothing personal in morality, my love. Even such a thing as this,' said Mr. Pecksniff, laying the fore-finger of his left hand upon the brown paper patch on the top of his head, `slight casual baldness though it be, reminds us that we are but'--he was going to say `worms,' but recollecting that worms were not remarkable for heads of hair, he substituted `flesh and blood.'
`Which,' cried Mr. Pecksniff after a pause, during which he seemed to have been casting about for a new moral, and not quite successfully, `which is also very soothing. Mercy, my dear, stir the fire and throw up the cinders.'
The young lady obeyed, and having done so, resumed her stool, reposed one arm upon her father's knee, and laid her blooming cheek upon it. Miss Charity drew her chair nearer the fire, as one prepared for conversation, and looked towards her father.
`Yes,' said Mr. Pecksniff, after a short pause, during which he had been silently smiling, and shaking his head at the fire: `I have again been fortunate in the attainment of my object. A new inmate will very shortly come among us.'
`A youth, papa?' asked Charity.
`Ye-es, a youth,' said Mr. Pecksniff. `He will avail himself of the eligible opportunity which now offers, for uniting the advantages of the best practical architectural education with the comforts of a home, and the constant association with some who (however humble their sphere, and limited their capacity) are not unmindful of their moral responsibilities.'
`Oh Pa!' cried Mercy, holding up her finger archly. `See advertisement!'
`Playful--playful warbler,' said Mr. Pecksniff. It may be observed in connexion with his calling his daughter a `warbler,' that she was not at all vocal, but that Mr. Pecksniff was in the frequent habit of using any word that occurred to him as having a good sound, and rounding a sentence well without much care for its meaning. And he did this so boldly, and in such an imposing manner, that he would sometimes stagger the wisest people with his eloquence, and make them gasp again.
His enemies asserted, by the way, that a strong trustfulness in sounds and forms was the master-key to Mr. Pecksniff's character.
`Is he handsome, Pa?' inquired the younger daughter.
`Silly Merry!' said the eldest: Merry being fond for Mercy. `What is the premium, Pa? tell us that.'
`Oh, good gracious, Cherry!' cried Miss Mercy, holding up her hands with the most winning giggle in the world, `what a mercenary girl you are! oh you naughty, thoughtful, prudent thing!'
It was perfectly charming, and worthy of the Pastoral age, to see how the two Miss Pecksniffs slapped each other after this, and then subsided into an embrace expressive of their different dispositions.
`He is well looking,' said Mr. Pecksniff, slowly and distinctly: `well looking enough. I do not positively expect any immediate premium with him.'
Notwithstanding their different natures, both Charity and Mercy concurred in opening their eyes uncommonly wide at this announcement, and in looking for the moment as blank as if their thoughts had actually had a direct bearing on the main chance.
`But what of that!' said Mr. Pecksniff, still smiling at the fire. `There is disinterestedness in the world, I hope? We are not all arrayed in two opposite ranks: the of fensive and the de fensive. Some few there are who walk between; who help the needy as they go; and take no part with either side. Umph!'
There was something in these morsels of philanthropy which reassured the sisters. They exchanged glances, and brightened very much.