This unfortunate King of Bohemia, said Trim,--Was he unfortunate, then? cried my uncle Toby, for he had been so wrapt up in his dissertation upon gun-powder, and other military affairs, that tho' he had desired the corporal to go on, yet the many interruptions he had given, dwelt not so strong upon his fancy as to account for the epithet--Was he unfortunate, then, Trim? said my uncle Toby, pathetically--The corporal, wishing first the word and all its synonimas at the devil, forthwith began to run back in his mind, the principal events in the King of Bohemia's story; from every one of which, it appearing that he was the most fortunate man that ever existed in the world--it put the corporal to a stand: for not caring to retract his epithet--and less to explain it--and least of all, to twist his tale (like men of lore) to serve a system--he looked up in my uncle Toby's face for assistance--but seeing it was the very thing my uncle Toby sat in expectation of himself--after a hum and a haw, he went on--The King of Bohemia, an' please your honour, replied the corporal, was unfortunate, as thus--That taking great pleasure and delight in navigation and all sort of sea affairs--and there happening throughout the whole kingdom of Bohemia, to be no sea-port town whatever--How the duce should there--Trim? cried my uncle Toby; for Bohemia being totally inland, it could have happen'd no otherwise--It might, said Trim, if it had pleased God--My uncle Toby never spoke of the being and natural attributes of God, but with diffidence and hesitation----I believe not, replied my uncle Toby, after some pause--for being inland, as I said, and having Silesia and Moravia to the east; Lusatia and Upper Saxony to the north; Franconia to the west; and Bavaria to the south;Bohemia could not have been propell'd to the sea without ceasing to be Bohemia--nor could the sea, on the other hand, have come up to Bohemia, without overflowing a great part of Germany, and destroying millions of unfortunate inhabitants who could make no defence against it--Scandalous! cried Trim--Which would bespeak, added my uncle Toby, mildly, such a want of compassion in him who is the father of it--that, I think, Trim--the thing could have happen'd no way.
The corporal made the bow of unfeign'd conviction; and went on.
Now the King of Bohemia with his queen and courtiers happening one fine summer's evening to walk out--Aye! there the word happening is right, Trim, cried my uncle Toby; for the King of Bohemia and his queen might have walk'd out or let it alone:--'twas a matter of contingency, which might happen, or not, just as chance ordered it.
King William was of an opinion, an' please your honour, quoth Trim, that every thing was predestined for us in this world; insomuch, that he would often say to his soldiers, that 'every ball had its billet.' He was a great man, said my uncle Toby--And I believe, continued Trim, to this day, that the shot which disabled me at the battle of Landen, was pointed at my knee for no other purpose, but to take me out of his service, and place me in your honour's, where I should be taken so much better care of in my old age--It shall never, Trim, be construed otherwise, said my uncle Toby.
The heart, both of the master and the man, were alike subject to sudden over-flowings;--a short silence ensued.
Besides, said the corporal, resuming the discourse--but in a gayer accent--if it had not been for that single shot, I had never, 'an please your honour, been in love--So, thou wast once in love, Trim! said my uncle Toby, smiling--Souse! replied the corporal--over head and ears! an' please your honour.
Prithee when? where?--and how came it to pass?--I never heard one word of it before; quoth my uncle Toby:--I dare say, answered Trim, that every drummer and serjeant's son in the regiment knew of it--It's high time Ishould--said my uncle Toby.
Your honour remembers with concern, said the corporal, the total rout and confusion of our camp and army at the affair of Landen; every one was left to shift for himself; and if it had not been for the regiments of Wyndham, Lumley, and Galway, which covered the retreat over the bridge Neerspeeken, the king himself could scarce have gained it--he was press'd hard, as your honour knows, on every side of him--Gallant mortal! cried my uncle Toby, caught up with enthusiasm--this moment, now that all is lost, I see him galloping across me, corporal, to the left, to bring up the remains of the English horse along with him to support the right, and tear the laurel from Luxembourg's brows, if yet 'tis possible--I see him with the knot of his scarfe just shot off, infusing fresh spirits into poor Galway's regiment--riding along the line--then wheeling about, and charging Conti at the head of it--Brave, brave, by heaven! cried my uncle Toby--he deserves a crown--As richly, as a thief a halter; shouted Trim.
My uncle Toby knew the corporal's loyalty;--otherwise the comparison was not at all to his mind--it did not altogether strike the corporal's fancy when he had made it--but it could not be recall'd--so he had nothing to do, but proceed.
As the number of wounded was prodigious, and no one had time to think of any thing but his own safety--Though Talmash, said my uncle Toby, brought off the foot with great prudence--But I was left upon the field, said the corporal. Thou wast so; poor fellow! replied my uncle Toby--So that it was noon the next day, continued the corporal, before I was exchanged, and put into a cart with thirteen or fourteen more, in order to be convey'd to our hospital.
There is no part of the body, an' please your honour, where a wound occasions more intolerable anguish than upon the knee--Except the groin; said my uncle Toby. An' please your honour, replied the corporal, the knee, in my opinion, must certainly be the most acute, there being so many tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems all about it.
It is for that reason, quoth my uncle Toby, that the groin is infinitely more sensible--there being not only as many tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems (for I know their names as little as thou dost)--about it--but moreover ...--Mrs. Wadman, who had been all the time in her arbour--instantly stopp'd her breath--unpinn'd her mob at the chin, and stood upon one leg--The dispute was maintained with amicable and equal force betwixt my uncle Toby and Trim for some time; till Trim at length recollecting that he had often cried at his master's sufferings, but never shed a tear at his own--was for giving up the point, which my uncle Toby would not allow--'Tis a proof of nothing, Trim, said he, but the generosity of thy temper--So that whether the pain of a wound in the groin (caeteris paribus) is greater than the pain of a wound in the knee--or Whether the pain of a wound in the knee is not greater than the pain of a wound in the groin--are points which to this day remain unsettled.