Renee,calamity has come--no,that is no word for it--it has burst like a thunderbolt over your poor Louise.You know what that means;calamity for me is doubt;certainty would be death.
The day before yesterday,when I had finished my first toilet,Ilooked everywhere for Gaston to take a little turn with me before lunch,but in vain.I went to the stable,and there I saw his mare all in a lather,while the groom was removing the foam with a knife before rubbing her down.
"Who in the world has put Fedelta in such a state?"I asked.
"Master,"replied the lad.
I saw the mud of Paris on the mare's legs,for country mud is quite different;and at once it flashed through me,"He has been to Paris."This thought raised a swarm of others in my heart,and it seemed as though all the life in my body rushed there.To go to Paris without telling me,at the hour when I leave him alone,to hasten there and back at such speed as to distress Fedelta.Suspicion clutched me in its iron grip,till I could hardly breathe.I walked aside a few steps to a seat,where I tried to recover my self-command.
Here Gaston found me,apparently pale and fluttered,for he immediately exclaimed,"What is wrong?"in a tone of such alarm,that I rose and took his arm.But my muscles refused to move,and I was forced to sit down again.Then he took me in his arms and carried me to the parlor close by,where the frightened servants pressed after us,till Gaston motioned them away.Once left to ourselves,I refused to speak,but was able to reach my room,where I shut myself in,to weep my fill.Gaston remained something like two hours at my door,listening to my sobs and questioning with angelic patience his poor darling,who made no response.
At last I told him that I would see him when my eyes were less red and my voice was steady again.
My formal words drove him from the house.But by the time I had bathed my eyes in iced water and cooled my face,I found him in our room,the door into which was open,though I had heard no steps.He begged me to tell him what was wrong.
"Nothing,"I said;"I saw the mud of Paris on Fedelta's trembling legs;it seemed strange that you should go there without telling me;but,of course,you are free."
"I shall punish you for such wicked thoughts by not giving any explanation till to-morrow,"he replied.
"Look at me,"I said.
My eyes met his;deep answered to deep.No,not a trace of the cloud of disloyalty which,rising from the soul,must dim the clearness of the eye.I feigned satisfaction,though really unconvinced.It is not women only who can lie and dissemble!
The whole of the day we spent together.Ever and again,as I looked at him,I realized how fast my heart-strings were bound to him.How Itrembled and fluttered within when,after a moment's absence,he reappeared.I live in him,not in myself.My cruel sufferings gave the lie to your unkind letter.Did I ever feel my life thus bound up in the noble Spaniard,who adored me,as I adore this heartless boy?Ihate that mare!Fool that I was to keep horses!But the next thing would have been to lame Gaston or imprison him in the cottage.Wild thoughts like these filled my brain;you see how near I was to madness!If love be not the cage,what power on earth can hold back the man who wants to be free?
I asked him point-blank,"Do I bore you?"
"What needless torture you give yourself!"was his reply,while he looked at me with tender,pitying eyes."Never have I loved you so deeply.""If that is true,my beloved,let me sell Fedelta,"I answered.
"Sell her,by all means!"
The reply crushed me.Was it not a covert taunt at my wealth and his own nothingness in the house?This may never have occurred to him,but I thought it had,and once more I left him.It was night,and I would go to bed.
Oh!Renee,to be alone with a harrowing thought drives one to thoughts of death.These charming gardens,the starry night,the cool air,laden with incense from our wealth of flowers,our valley,our hills--all seemed to me gloomy,black,and desolate.It was as though I lay at the foot of a precipice,surrounded by serpents and poisonous plants,and saw no God in the sky.Such a night ages a woman.
Next morning I said:
"Take Fedelta and be off to Paris!Don't sell her;I love her.Does she not carry you?"But he was not deceived;my tone betrayed the storm of feeling which Istrove to conceal.
"Trust me!"he replied;and the gesture with which he held out his hand,the glance of his eye,were so full of loyalty that I was overcome.
"What petty creatures women are!"I exclaimed.
"No,you love me,that is all,"he said,pressing me to his heart.
"Go to Paris without me,"I said,and this time I made him understand that my suspicions were laid aside.
He went;I thought he would have stayed.I won't attempt to tell you what I suffered.I found a second self within,quite strange to me.Acrisis like this has,for the woman who loves,a tragic solemnity that baffles words;the whole of life rises before you then,and you search in vain for any horizon to it;the veriest trifle is big with meaning,a glance contains a volume,icicles drift on uttered words,and the death sentence is read in a movement of the lips.
I thought he would have paid me back in kind;had I not been magnanimous?I climbed to the top of the chalet,and my eyes followed him on the road.Ah!my dear Renee,he vanished from my sight with an appalling swiftness.
"How keen he is to go!"was the thought that sprang of itself.
Once more alone,I fell back into the hell of possibilities,the maelstrom of mistrust.There were moments when I would have welcomed any certainty,even the worst,as a relief from the torture of suspense.Suspense is a duel carried on in the heart,and we give no quarter to ourselves.