That same week I discovered that he went to Sevres to fetch his letters,and these letters he must tear up immediately;for though Iam a very Figaro in contrivances,I have never yet seen a trace of one.Alas!my sweet,despite the fine promises and vows by which Ibound myself after the scene of the whip,an impulse,which I can only call madness,drove me to follow him in one of his rapid rides to the post-office.Gaston was appalled to be thus discovered on horseback,paying the postage of a letter which he held in his hand.He looked fixedly at me,and then put spurs to Fedelta.The pace was so hard that I felt shaken to bits when I reached the lodge gate,though my mental agony was such at the time that it might well have dulled all consciousness of bodily pain.Arrived at the gate,Gaston said nothing;he rang the bell and waited without a word.I was more dead than alive.I might be mistaken or I might not,but in neither case was it fitting for Armande-Louise-Marie de Chaulieu to play the spy.Ihad sunk to the level of the gutter,by the side of courtesans,opera-dancers,mere creatures of instinct;even the vulgar shop-girl or humble seamstress might look down on me.
What a moment!At last the door opened;he handed his horse to the groom,and I also dismounted,but into his arms,which were stretched out to receive me.I threw my skirt over my left arm,gave him my right,and we walked on--still in silence.The few steps we thus took might be reckoned to me for a hundred years of purgatory.A swarm of thoughts beset me as I walked,now seeming to take visible form in tongues of fire before my eyes,now assailing my mind,each with its own poisoned dart.When the groom and the horses were far away,Istopped Gaston,and,looking him in the face,said,as I pointed,with a gesture that you should have seen,to the fatal letter still in his right hand:
"May I read it?"
He gave it to me.I opened it and found a letter from Nathan,the dramatic author,informing Gaston that a play of his had been accepted,learned,rehearsed,and would be produced the following Saturday.He also enclosed a box ticket.
Though for me this was the opening of heaven's gates to the martyr,yet the fiend would not leave me in peace,but kept crying,"Where are the thirty thousand francs?"It was a question which self-respect,dignity,all my old self in fact,prevented me from uttering.If my thought became speech,I might as well throw myself into the lake at once,and yet I could hardly keep the words down.Dear friend,was not this a trial passing the strength of woman?
I returned the letter,saying:
"My poor Gaston,you are getting bored down here.Let us go back to Paris,won't you?""To Paris?"he said."But why?I only wanted to find out if I had any gift,to taste the flowing bowl of success!"Nothing would be easier than for me to ransack the drawer sometime while he is working and pretend great surprise at finding the money gone.But that would be going half-way to meet the answer,"Oh!my friend So-and-So was hard up!"etc.,which a man of Gaston's quick wit would not have far to seek.
The moral,my dear,is that the brilliant success of this play,which all Paris is crowding to see,is due to us,though the whole credit goes to Nathan.I am represented by one of the two stars in the legend:Et M **.I saw the first night from the depths of one of the stage boxes.
July 1st.
Gaston's work and his visits to Paris shall continue.He is preparing new plays,partly because he wants a pretext for going to Paris,partly in order to make money.Three plays have been accepted,and two more are commissioned.
Oh!my dear,I am lost,all is darkness around me.I would set fire to the house in a moment if that would bring light.What does it all mean?Is he ashamed of taking money from me?He is too high-minded for so trumpery a matter to weigh with him.Besides,scruples of the kind could only be the outcome of some love affair.A man would take anything from his wife,but from the woman he has ceased to care for,or is thinking of deserting,it is different.If he needs such large sums,it must be to spend them on a woman.For himself,why should he hesitate to draw from my purse?Our savings amount to one hundred thousand francs!