"Aha! There's an admission! But I am good-natured.I'll come to your assistance again.Listen, it was I caught you, not you me.I told you your anecdote you'd forgotten, on purpose, so as to destroy your faith in me completely.""You are lying.The object of your visit is to convince me of your existence!""Just so.But hesitation, suspense, conflict between belief and disbelief- is sometimes such torture to a conscientious man, such as you are, that it's better to hang oneself at once.Knowing that you are inclined to believe in me, I administered some disbelief by telling you that anecdote.I lead you to belief and disbelief by turns, and I have my motive in it.It's the new method.As soon as you disbelieve in me completely, you'll begin assuring me to my face that I am not a dream but a reality.I know you.Then I shall have attained my object, which is an honourable one.I shall sow in you only a tiny grain of faith and it will grow into an oak-tree- and such an oak-tree that, sitting on it, you will long to enter the ranks of 'the hermits in the wilderness and the saintly women,' for that is what you are secretly longing for.You'll dine on locusts, you'll wander into the wilderness to save your soul!""Then it's for the salvation of my soul you are working, is it, you scoundrel?""One must do a good work sometimes.How ill-humoured you are!""Fool! did you ever tempt those holy men who ate locusts and prayed seventeen years in the wilderness till they were overgrown with moss?""My dear fellow, I've done nothing else.One forgets the whole world and all the worlds, and sticks to one such saint, because he is a very precious diamond.One such soul, you know, is sometimes worth a whole constellation.We have our system of reckoning, you know.The conquest is priceless! And some of them, on my word, are not inferior to you in culture, though you won't believe it.They can contemplate such depths of belief and disbelief at the same moment that sometimes it really seems that they are within a hair's-breadth of being 'turned upside down,' as the actor Gorbunov says.""Well, did you get your nose pulled?"
"My dear fellow," observed the visitor sententiously, "it's better to get off with your nose pulled than without a nose at all.As an afflicted marquis observed not long ago (he must have been treated by a specialist) in confession to his spiritual father- a Jesuit.Iwas present, it was simply charming.'Give me back my nose!' he said, and he beat his breast.'My son,' said the priest evasively, 'all things are accomplished in accordance with the inscrutable decrees of Providence, and what seems a misfortune sometimes leads to extraordinary, though unapparent, benefits.If stern destiny has deprived you of your nose, it's to your advantage that no one can ever pull you by your nose.' 'Holy father, that's no comfort,' cried the despairing marquis.'I'd be delighted to have my nose pulled every day of my life, if it were only in its proper place.' 'My son,' sighs the priest, 'you can't expect every blessing at once.This is murmuring against Providence, who even in this has not forgotten you, for if you repine as you repined just now, declaring you'd be glad to have your nose pulled for the rest of your life, your desire has already been fulfilled indirectly, for when you lost your nose, you were led by the nose.'
"Fool, how stupid!" cried Ivan.
"My dear friend, I only wanted to amuse you.But I swear that's the genuine Jesuit casuistry and I swear that it all happened word for word as I've told you.It happened lately and gave me a great deal of trouble.The unhappy young man shot himself that very night when he got home.I was by his side till the very last moment.Those Jesuit confessionals are really my most delightful diversion at melancholy moments.Here's another incident that happened only the other day.Alittle blonde Norman girl of twenty- a buxom, unsophisticated beauty that would make your mouth water- comes to an old priest.She bends down and whispers her sin into the grating.'Why, my daughter, have you fallen again already?' cries the priest: 'O Sancta Maria, what do I hear! Not the same man this time, how long is this going on?
Aren't you ashamed!' 'Ah, mon pere,' answers the sinner with tears of penitence, 'Ca lui fait tant de plaisir, et a moi si peu de peine!'* Fancy, such an answer! I drew back.It was the cry of nature, better than innocence itself, if you like.I absolved her sin on the spot and was turning to go, but I was forced to turn back.I heard the priest at the grating ****** an appointment with her for the evening- though he was an old man hard as flint, he fell in an instant! It was nature, the truth of nature asserted its rights! What, you are turning up your nose again? Angry again? I don't know how to please you-"* Ah, my father, this gives him so much pleasure, and me so little pain!
"Leave me alone, you are beating on my brain like a haunting nightmare," Ivan moaned miserably, helpless before his apparition.