Many causes helped to bring about this feeling.Shattered by what had happened with Mitya, she rushed on Ivan's return to meet him as her one salvation.She was hurt, insulted and humiliated in her feelings.And here the man had come back to her, who had loved her so ardently before (oh! she knew that very well), and whose heart and intellect she considered so superior to her own.But the sternly virtuous girl did not abandon herself altogether to the man she loved, in spite of the Karamazov violence of his passions and the great fascination he had for her.She was continually tormented at the same time by remorse for having deserted Mitya, and in moments of discord and violent anger (and they were numerous) she told Ivan so plainly.This was what he had called to Alyosha "lies upon lies."There was, of course, much that was false in it, and that angered Ivan more than anything....But of all this later.
He did, in fact, for a time almost forget Smerdyakov's existence, and yet, a fortnight after his first visit to him, he began to be haunted by the same strange thoughts as before.It's enough to say that he was continually asking himself, why was it that on that last night in Fyodor Pavlovitch's house he had crept out on to the stairs like a thief and listened to hear what his father was doing below? Why had he recalled that afterwards with repulsion? Why next morning, had he been suddenly so depressed on the journey? Why, as he reached Moscow, had he said to himself, "I am a scoundrel"? And now he almost fancied that these tormenting thoughts would make him even forget Katerina Ivanovna, so completely did they take possession of him again.It was just after fancying this, that he met Alyosha in the street.He stopped him at once, and put a question to him:
"Do you remember when Dmitri burst in after dinner and beat father, and afterwards I told you in the yard that I reserved 'the right to desire'?...Tell me, did you think then that I desired father's death or not?""I did think so," answered Alyosha, softly.
"It was so, too; it was not a matter of guessing.But didn't you fancy then that what I wished was just that one reptile should devour another'; that is, just that Dmitri should kill father, and as soon as possible...and that I myself was even prepared to help to bring that about?"Alyosha turned rather pale, and looked silently into his brother's face.
"Speak!" cried Ivan, "I want above everything to know what you thought then.I want the truth, the truth!"He drew a deep breath, looking angrily at Alyosha before his answer came.
"Forgive me, I did think that, too, at the time," whispered Alyosha, and he did not add one softening phrase.
"Thanks," snapped Ivan, and, leaving Alyosha, he went quickly on his way.From that time Alyosha noticed that Ivan began obviously to avoid him and seemed even to have taken a dislike to him, so much so that Alyosha gave up going to see him.Immediately after that meeting with him, Ivan had not gone home, but went straight to Smerdyakov again.
Chapter 7
The Second Visit to SmerdyakovBY that time Smerdyakov had been discharged from the hospital.
Ivan knew his new lodging, the dilapidated little wooden house, divided in two by a passage, on one side of which lived Marya Kondratyevna and her mother, and on the other, Smerdyakov.No one knew on what terms he lived with them, whether as a friend or as a lodger.It was supposed afterwards that he had come to stay with them as Marya Kondratyevna's betrothed, and was living there for a time without paying for board or lodging.Both mother and daughter had the greatest respect for him and looked upon him as greatly superior to themselves.
Ivan knocked, and, on the door being opened, went straight into the passage.By Marya Kondratyevna's directions he went straight to the better room on the left, occupied by Smerdyakov.There was a tiled stove in the room and it was extremely hot.The walls were gay with blue paper, which was a good deal used however, and in the cracks under it cockroaches swarmed in amazing numbers, so that there was a continual rustling from them.The furniture was very scanty: two benches against each wall and two chairs by the table.The table of plain wood was covered with a cloth with pink patterns on it.There was a pot of geranium on each of the two little windows.In the corner there was a case of ikons.On the table stood a little copper samovar with many dents in it, and a tray with two cups.But Smerdyakov had finished tea and the samovar was out.He was sitting at the table on a bench.He was looking at an exercise-book and slowly writing with a pen.There was a bottle of ink by him and a flat iron candlestick, but with a composite candle.Ivan saw at once from Smerdyakov's face that he had completely recovered from his illness.
His face was fresher, fuller, his hair stood up jauntily in front, and was plastered down at the sides.He was sitting in a parti-coloured, wadded dressing-gown, rather dirty and frayed, however.He had spectacles on his nose, which Ivan had never seen him wearing before.This trifling circumstance suddenly redoubled Ivan's anger: "Acreature like that and wearing spectacles!"Smerdyakov slowly raised his head and looked intently at his visitor through his spectacles; then he slowly took them off and rose from the bench, but by no means respectfully, almost lazily, doing the least possible required by common civility.All this struck Ivan instantly; he took it all in and noted it at once- most of all the look in Smerdyakov's eyes, positively malicious, churlish and haughty."What do you want to intrude for?" it seemed to say;"we settled everything then; why have you come again?" Ivan could scarcely control himself.
"It's hot here," he said, still standing, and unbuttoned his overcoat.
"Take off your coat," Smerdyakov conceded.
Ivan took off his coat and threw it on a bench with trembling hands.He took a chair, moved it quickly to the table and sat down.
Smerdyakov managed to sit down on his bench before him.