On my return two months later, I found the young lady already married to a rich neighbouring landowner, a very amiable man, still young though older than I was, connected with the best Petersburg society, which I was not, and of excellent education, which I also was not.I was so overwhelmed at this unexpected circumstance that my mind was positively clouded.The worst of it all was that, as I learned then, the young landowner had been a long while betrothed to her, and I had met him indeed many times in her house, but blinded by my conceit I had noticed nothing.And this particularly mortified me;almost everybody had known all about it, while I knew nothing.I was filled with sudden irrepressible fury.With flushed face I began recalling how often I had been on the point of declaring my love to her, and as she had not attempted to stop me or to warn me, she must, I concluded, have been laughing at me all the time.Later on, of course, I reflected and remembered that she had been very far from laughing at me; on the contrary, she used to turn off any love-****** on my part with a jest and begin talking of other subjects; but at that moment I was incapable of reflecting and was all eagerness for revenge.I am surprised to remember that my wrath and revengeful feelings were extremely repugnant to my own nature, for being of an easy temper, I found it difficult to be angry with anyone for long, and so I had to work myself up artificially and became at last revolting and absurd.
I waited for an opportunity and succeeded in insulting my "rival" in the presence of a large company.I insulted him on a perfectly extraneous pretext, jeering at his opinion upon an important public event- it was in the year 1826- my jeer was, so people said, clever and effective.Then I forced him to ask for an explanation, and behaved so rudely that he accepted my challenge in spite of the vast inequality between us, as I was younger, a person of no consequence, and of inferior rank.I learned afterwards for a fact that it was from a jealous feeling on his side also that my challenge was accepted;he had been rather jealous of me on his wife's account before their marriage; he fancied now that if he submitted to be insulted by me and refused to accept my challenge, and if she heard of it, she might begin to despise him and waver in her love for him.I soon found a second in a comrade, an ensign of our regiment.In those days though duels were severely punished, yet duelling was a kind of fashion among the officers- so strong and deeply rooted will a brutal prejudice sometimes be.
It was the end of June, and our meeting was to take place at seven o'clock the next day on the outskirts of the town- and then something happened that in very truth was the turning point of my life.In the evening, returning home in a savage and brutal humour, I flew into a rage with my orderly Afanasy, and gave him two blows in the face with all my might, so that it was covered with blood.He had not long been in my service and I had struck him before, but never with such ferocious cruelty.And, believe me, though it's forty years ago, I recall it now with shame and pain.I went to bed and slept for about three hours; when I waked up the day was breaking.Igot up- I did not want to sleep any more- I went to the window- opened it, it looked out upon the garden; I saw the sun rising; it was warm and beautiful, the birds were singing.
"What's the meaning of it?" I thought."I feel in my heart as it were something vile and shameful.Is it because I am going to shed blood? No," I thought, "I feel it's not that.Can it be that I am afraid of death, afraid of being killed? No, that's not it, that's not it at all."...And all at once I knew what it was: it was because Ihad beaten Afanasy the evening before! It all rose before my mind, it all was, as it were, repeated over again; he stood before me and I was beating him straight on the face and he was holding his arms stiffly down, his head erect, his eyes fixed upon me as though on parade.He staggered at every blow and did not even dare to raise his hands to protect himself.That is what a man has been brought to, and that was a man beating a fellow creature! What a crime! It was as though a sharp dagger had pierced me right through.I stood as if Iwere struck dumb, while the sun was shining, the leaves were rejoicing and the birds were trilling the praise of God....I hid my face in my hands, fell on my bed and broke into a storm of tears.And then Iremembered by brother Markel and what he said on his death-bed to his servants: "My dear ones, why do you wait on me, why do you love me, am I worth your waiting on me?""Yes, am I worth it?" flashed through my mind."After all what am I worth, that another man, a fellow creature, made in the likeness and image of God, should serve me?" For the first time in my life this question forced itself upon me.He had said, "Mother, my little heart, in truth we are each responsible to all for all, it's only that men don't know this.If they knew it, the world would be a paradise at once.""God, can that too be false?" I thought as I wept."In truth, perhaps, I am more than all others responsible for all, a greater sinner than all men in the world." And all at once the whole truth in its full light appeared to me: what was I going to do? I was going to kill a good, clever, noble man, who had done me no wrong, and by depriving his wife of happiness for the rest of her life, Ishould be torturing and killing her too.I lay thus in my bed with my face in the pillow, heedless how the time was passing.Suddenly my second, the ensign, came in with the pistols to fetch me.
"Ah," said he, "it's a good thing you are up already, it's time we were off, come along!"I did not know what to do and hurried to and fro undecided; we went out to the carriage, however.
"Wait here a minute," I said to him."I'll be back directly, Ihave forgotten my purse."
And I ran back alone, to Afanasy's little room.
"Afanasy," I said, "I gave you two blows on the face yesterday, forgive me," I said.