"Noble Red Men, Braves, Grand Sachems, War Chiefs, Squaws, and High Muck-a-Mucks, the paleface from the land of the setting sun greets you! You, Beneficent Polecat--you, Devourer of Mountains--you, Roaring Thundergust --you, Bully Boy with a Glass eye--the paleface from beyond the great waters greets you all! War and pestilence have thinned your ranks and destroyed your once proud nation.Poker and seven-up, and a vain modern expense for soap, unknown to your glorious ancestors, have depleted your purses.Appropriating, in your simplicity, the property of others has gotten you into trouble.Misrepresenting facts, in your ****** innocence, has damaged your reputation with the soulless usurper.
Trading for forty-rod whisky, to enable you to get drunk and happy and tomahawk your families, has played the everlasting mischief with the picturesque pomp of your dress, and here you are, in the broad light of the nineteenth century, gotten up like the ragtag and bobtail of the purlieus of New York.For shame! Remember your ancestors! Recall their mighty deeds! Remember Uncas!--and Red jacket! and Hole in the Day!--and Whoopdedoodledo! Emulate their achievements! Unfurl yourselves under my banner, noble savages, illustrious guttersnipes--""Down wid him!" "Scoop the blaggard!" "Burn him!" "Bang him!""Dhround him!"
It was the quickest operation that ever was.I simply saw a sudden flash in the air of clubs, brickbats, fists, bead-baskets, and moccasins--a single flash, and they all appeared to hit me at once, and no two of them in the same place.In the next instant the entire tribe was upon me.
They tore half the clothes off me; they broke my arms and legs; they gave me a thump that dented the top of my head till it would hold coffee like a saucer; and, to crown their disgraceful proceedings and add insult to injury, they threw me over the Niagara Falls, and I got wet.
About ninety or a hundred feet from the top, the remains of my vest caught on a projecting rock, and I was almost drowned before I could get loose.I finally fell, and brought up in a world of white foam at the foot of the Fall, whose celled and bubbly masses towered up several inches above my head.Of course I got into the eddy.I sailed round and round in it forty-four times--chasing a chip and gaining on it--each round trip a half-mile--reaching for the same bush on the bank forty-four times, and just exactly missing it by a hair's-breadth every time.
At last a man walked down and sat down close to that bush, and put a pipe in his mouth, and lit a match, and followed me with one eye and kept the other on the match, while he sheltered it in his hands from the wind.
Presently a puff of wind blew it out.The next time I swept around he said:
"Got a match?"
"Yes; in my other vest.Help me out, please.""Not for Joe."
When I came round again, I said:
"Excuse the seemingly impertinent curiosity of a drowning man, but will you explain this singular conduct of yours?""With pleasure.I am the coroner.Don't hurry on my account.I can wait for you.But I wish I had a match."I said: "Take my place, and I'll go and get you one."He declined.This lack of confidence on his part created a coldness between us, and from that time forward I avoided him.It was my idea, in case anything happened to me, to so time the occurrence as to throw my custom into the hands of the opposition coroner on the American side.
At last a policeman came along, and arrested me for disturbing the peace by yelling at people on shore for help.The judge fined me, but had the advantage of him.My money was with my pantaloons, and my pantaloons were with the Indians.
Thus I escaped.I am now lying in a very critical condition.At least Iam lying anyway---critical or not critical.I am hurt all over, but Icannot tell the full extent yet, because the doctor is not done taking inventory.He will make out my manifest this evening.However, thus far he thinks only sixteen of my wounds are fatal.I don't mind the others.
Upon regaining my right mind, I said:
"It is an awful savage tribe of Indians that do the beadwork and moccasins for Niagara Falls, doctor.Where are they from?""Limerick, my son."