"I remember that, while he spoke, I cast a rapid glance at the glass.I felt proud that I was so well dressed; he had not even remarked it; but no matter--it seemed to me that my cap became me, that my hair shone finely, my gaze beamed mild--I found Agricola so handsome, that I almost began to think myself less ugly--no doubt, to excuse myself in my own eyes for daring to love him.After all, what happened to-day would have happened one day or another! Yes, that is consoling--like the thoughts that death is nothing, because it must come at last--to those who are in love with life! I have been always preserved from suicide--the last resource of the unfortunate, who prefer trusting in God to remaining amongst his creatures--by the sense of duty.One must not only think of self.And I reflected also`God is good--always good--since the most wretched beings find opportunities for love and devotion.' How is it that I, so weak and poor, have always found means to be helpful and useful to some one?
"This very day I felt tempted to make an end with life--Agricola and his mother had no longer need of me.--Yes, but the unfortunate creatures whom Mdlle.de Cardoville has commissioned me to watch over?--but my benefactress herself, though she has affectionately reproached me with the tenacity of my suspicions in regard to that man? I am more than ever alarmed for her--I feel that she is more than ever in danger--more than ever--I have faith in the value of my presence near her.Hence, I must live.Live--to go to-morrow to see this girl, whom Agricola passionately loves? Good heaven! why have I always known grief, and never hate?
There must be a bitter pleasure in hating.So many people hate!--Perhaps I may hate this girl--Angela, as he called her, when he said, with so much simplicity: `A charming name, is it not, Mother Bunch?' Compare this name, which recalls an idea so full of grace, with the ironical symbol of my witch's deformity! Poor Agricola! poor brother! goodness is sometimes as blind as malice, I see.Should I hate this young girl?--Why? Did she deprive me of the beauty which charms Agricola? Can I find fault with her for being beautiful? When I was not yet accustomed to the consequences of my ugliness, I asked myself, with bitter curiosity, why the Creator had endowed his creatures so unequally.The habit of pain has allowed me to reflect calmly, and I have finished by persuading myself, that to beauty and ugliness are attached the two most noble emotions of the soul--admiration and compassion.Those who are like me admire beautiful persons--such as Angela, such as Agricola--and these in their turn feel a couching pity for such as I am.Sometimes, in spite of one's self, one has very foolish hopes.Because Agricola, from a feeling of propriety had never spoken to me of his love affairs, I sometimes persuaded myself that he had none--that he loved me, and that the fear of ridicule alone was with him, as with me, an obstacle in the way of confessing it.Yes, I have even made verses on that subject--and those, I think, not the worst I have written.
"Mine is a singular position! If I love, I am ridiculous; if any love me, he is still more ridiculous.How did I come so to forget that, as to have suffered and to suffer what I do?--But blessed be that suffering, since it has not engendered hate--no; for I will not hate this girl--I will Perform a sister's part to the last; I will follow the guidance of my heart; I have the instinct of preserving others--my heart will lead and enlighten me.My only fear is, that I shall burst into tears when I see her, and not be able to conquer my emotion.Oh, then! what a revelation to Agricola--a discovery of the mad love he has inspired!--Oh, never! the day in which he knew that would be the last of my life.There would then be within me something stronger than duty--the longing to escape from shame--that incurable shame, that burns me like a hot iron.
No, no; I will be calm.Besides, did I not just now, when with him bear courageously a terrible trial? I will be calm.My personal feelings must not darken the second sight, so clear for those I love.Oh!
painful--painful task! for the fear of yielding involuntarily to evil sentiments must not render me too indulgent toward this girl.I might compromise Agricola's happiness, since my decision is to guide his choice.Poor creature that I am.How I deceive myself! Agricola asks my advice, because he thinks that I shall have not the melancholy courage to oppose his passion; or else he would say to me: `No matter--I love;
and I brave the future!'
"But then, if my advice, if the instincts of my heart, are not to guide him--if his resolution is taken beforehand--of what use will be to-
morrow's painful mission? Of what use? To obey him.Did he not say--