"I will speak of it no more, father," said Gabriel: and he thus resumed:
"A long illness followed that terrible night.Many times, they feared for my reason.When I recovered, the past appeared to me like a painful dream.You told me, then, father, that I was not yet ripe for certain functions; and it was then that I earnestly entreated you to be allowed to go on the American missions.After having long refused my prayer, you at length consented.From my childhood, I had always lived in the college or seminary, to a state of continual restraint and subjection.
By constantly holding down my head and eyes, I had lost the habit of contemplating the heavens and the splendors of nature.But, oh! what deep, religious happiness I felt, when I found myself suddenly transported to the centre of the imposing grandeur of the seas-half-way between the ocean and the sky!--I seemed to come forth from a place of thick darkness; for the first time, for many years, I felt my heart beat freely in my bosom; for the first time, I felt myself master of my own thoughts, and ventured to examine my past life, as from the summit of a mountain, one looks down into a gloomy vale.Then strange doubts rose within me.I asked myself by what right, and for what end, any beings had so long repressed, almost annihilated, the exercise of my will, of my liberty, of my reason, since God had endowed me with these gifts.But I said to myself, that perhaps, one day, the great, beauteous, and holy work, in which I was to have my share, would be revealed to me, and would recompense my obedience and resignation."
At this moment, Rodin re-entered the room.Father d'Aigrigny questioned him with a significant look.The socius approached, and said to him in a low voice, so, that Gabriel could not hear: "Nothing serious.It was only to inform me, that Marshal Simon's father is arrived at M.Hardy's factory."
Then, glancing at Gabriel, Rodin appeared to interrogate Father d'Aigrigny, who hung his head with a desponding air.Yet he resumed, again addressing Gabriel, whilst Rodin took his old place, with his elbow on the chimney-piece: "Go on, my dear son.I am anxious to learn what resolution you have adopted."
"I will tell you in a moment, father.I arrived at Charleston.The superior of our establishment in that place, to whom I imparted my doubts as to the object of our Society, took upon himself to clear them up, and unveiled it all to me with alarming frankness.He told me the tendency-
not perhaps of all the members of the Company, for a great number must have shared my ignorance--but the objects which our leaders have pertinaciously kept in view, ever since the foundation of the Order.I was terrified.I read the casuists.Oh, father! that was a new and dreadful revelation, when, at every page, I read the excuse and justification of robbery, slander, *****ery, perjury, murder, regicide.
When I considered that I, the priest of a God of charity, justice, pardon, and love, was to belong henceforth to a Company, whose chiefs professed and glorified in such doctrines, I made a solemn oath to break for ever the ties which bound me to it!"[19]