A prison. Enter DOGBERRY, VERGES, and Sexton, in gowns; and the Watch, with CONRADE and BORACHIO DOGBERRY Is our whole dissembly appeared? VERGES O, a stool and a cushion for the sexton. Sexton Which be the malefactors? DOGBERRY Marry, that am I and my partner. VERGES Nay, that's certain; we have the exhibition to examine. Sexton But which are the offenders that are to be examined? let them come before master constable. DOGBERRY Yea, marry, let them come before me. What is your name, friend? BORACHIO Borachio. DOGBERRY Pray, write down, Borachio. Yours, sirrah? CONRADE I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade. DOGBERRY Write down, master gentleman Conrade.
Masters, do you serve God? CONRADE BORACHIO Yea, sir, we hope. DOGBERRY Write down, that they hope they serve God: and write God first; for God defend but God should go before such villains! Masters, it is proved already that you are little better than false knaves;and it will go near to be thought so shortly. How answer you for yourselves? CONRADE Marry, sir, we say we are none. DOGBERRY A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you:
but I
will go about with him. Come you hither, sirrah;a word in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thought you are false knaves. BORACHIO Sir, I say to you we are none. DOGBERRY Well, stand aside. 'Fore God, they are both in a tale. Have you writ down, that they are none? Sexton Master constable, you go not the way to examine:
you must call forth the watch that are their accusers. DOGBERRY Yea, marry, that's the eftest way. Let the watch come forth. Masters, I charge you, in the prince's name, accuse these men. First Watchman This man said, sir, that Don John, the prince's brother, was a villain. DOGBERRY Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is flat perjury, to call a prince's brother villain. BORACHIO Master constable,-- DOGBERRY Pray thee, fellow, peace: I do not like thy look, I promise thee. Sexton What heard you him say else? Second Watchman Marry, that he had received a thousand ducats of Don John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully. DOGBERRY Flat burglary as ever was committed. VERGES Yea, by mass, that it is. Sexton What else, fellow? First Watchman And that Count Claudio did mean, upon his words, to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly. and not marry her. DOGBERRY O villain! thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this. Sexton What else? Watchman This is all. Sexton And this is more, masters, than you can deny.
Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away;Hero was in this manner accused, in this very manner refused, and upon the grief of this suddenly died.
Master constable, let these men be bound, and brought to Leonato's: I will go before and show him their examination.
Exit DOGBERRY Come, let them be opinioned. VERGES Let them be in the hands-- CONRADE Off, coxcomb! DOGBERRY God's my life, where's the sexton? let him write down the prince's officer coxcomb. Come, bind them.
Thou naughty varlet! CONRADE Away! you are an ass, you are an ass. DOGBERRY Dost thou not suspect my place? dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! But, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness.
I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer, and, which is more, a householder, and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in Messina, and one that knows the law, go to; and a rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two gowns and every thing handsome about him. Bring him away. O that I had been writ down an ass!