书城传记邓肯自传
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第2章 Chapter One

The character of a child is already plain, even in its mother's womb。 Before I was born my mother was in great agony of spirit and in a tragic situation。She could take no food except iced oysters and iced champagne。If people ask me when I began to dance I reply,“In my mother's womb, probably as a result of the oysters and champagne—the food of Aphrodite。”

My mother was going through such a tragic experience at this time that she often said,“This child that will be born will surely not be normal,”and she expected a monster。 And, in fact, from the moment I was born it seemed that I began to agitate my arms and legs in such a fury that my mother cried,“You see, I was quite right;the child is a maniac!”But later on, placed in a baby jumper in the centre of the table, I was the amusement of the entire family and friends, dancing to any music that was played。

My first memory is of a fire。 I remember being thrown into the arms of a policeman from an upper window。I must have been about two or three years old, but I distinctly remember the comforting feeling, among all the excitement—the screams and the fames—of the security of the policeman and my little arms round his neck。He must have been an Irishman。I hear my mother cry in frenzy,“My boys, my boys,”and see her held back by the crowdfrom entering the building in which she imagined my two brothers had been left。Afterwards I remember finding the two boys sitting on the foor of a barroom, putting on their shoes and stockings, and then the inside of a carriage, and then sitting on a counter drinking hot chocolate。

I was born by the sea, and I have noticed that all the great events of my life have taken place by the sea。 My first idea of movement, of the dance, certainly came from the rhythm of the waves。I was born under the star of Aphrodite, Aphrodite who was also born on the sea, and when her star is in the ascendant, events are always propitious to me。At these epochs life fows lightly and I am able to create。I have also noticed that the disappearance of this star is usually followed by disaster for me。The science of astrology has not perhaps the importance today that it had in the time of the ancient Egyptians or of the Chaldeans, but it is certain that our psychic life is under the infuence of the planets, and if parents understood this they would study the stars in the creation of more beautiful children。

I believe, too, that it must make a great difference to a child's life whether it is born by the sea or in the mountains。 The sea has always drawn me to it, whereas in the mountains I have a vague feeling of discomfort and a desire to fly。They always give me an impression of being a prisoner to the earth。Looking up at their tops, I do not feel the admiration of the general tourist, but only a desire to leap over them and escape。My life and my Art were born of the sea。

I have to be thankful that when we were young my mother was poor。 She could not afford servants or governesses for her children, and it is to this fact that I owe the spontaneous life which I had the opportunity to express as a child and never lost。My mother was a musician and taught music for a living, and as she gave her lessons at the houses of her pupils she was away from home all day and for many hours in the evening。When I could escape from the prison of school, I was free。I could wander alone by the sea and follow my own fantasies。How I pity the children I see constantly attended by nurses and governesses, constantly protected and taken care of and smartly dressed。What chance of life have they?My mother was too busy to think of any dangers which might befall her children, and therefore my two brothers and I were free to follow our own vagabond impulses, which sometimes led us into adventures which, had our mother known of them, would have driven her wild with anxiety。Fortunately she was bliss?fully unconscious。I say fortunately for me, for it is certainly to this wild, untrammelled life of my childhood that I owe the inspiration of the dance I created, which was but the expression of freedom。I was never subjected to the continual“don’ts”which it seems to me make children’s lives a misery。

I went to the public school at the early age of five。 I think my mother prevaricated about my age。It was necessary to have some place to leave me。I believe that whatever one is to do in one's after life is clearly expressedas a baby。I was already a dancer and a revolutionist。My mother, who had been baptised and raised in an Irish Catholic family, was a devout Catholic up to the time when she discovered that my father was not that model of perfection she had always thought him to be。She divorced him, and left with her four children to face the world。From that time her faith in the Catholic religion revolted violently to defnite atheism, and she became a follower of Bob Ingersoll, whose works she used to read to us。

Among other things, she decided that all sentimentality was nonsense, and when I was quite a baby she revealed to us the secret of Santa Claus, with the result that at a school festival for Christmas, when the teacher was distributing candies and cakes and said,“See, children, what Santa Claus has brought you,”I rose and solemnly replied,“I don't believe you;there is no such thing as Santa Claus。”The teacher was considerably ruffled。“Candies are only for little girls who believe in Santa Claus,”she said。“Then I don't want your candy,”said I。 The teacher unwisely few into a temper and, to make an example of me, ordered me to come forward and sit on the foor。I came forward, and, turning to the class, I made the first of my famous speeches。“I don't believe lies,”I shouted。“My mother told me she is too poor to be Santa Claus;it is only the rich mothers who can pretend to be Santa Claus and give presents。”

At this the teacher caught hold of me and endeavoured to sit me down upon the foor, but I stifened my legs andheld on to her, and she only succeeded in hitting my heels against the parquet。 After failing in this, she stood me in the corner, but, although I stood there, I turned my head over my shoulder and shouted,“There is no Santa Claus, there is no Santa Claus,”until finally she was forced to send me home。I went home shouting all the way,“There is no Santa Claus,”but I never got over the feeling of the injustice with which I had been treated, deprived of candy and punished for telling the truth。When I recounted this to my mother, saying,“Wasn't I right?There is no Santa Claus, is there?”she replied,“There is no Santa Claus and there is no God, only your own spirit to help you。”And that night, as I sat upon the rug at her feet, she read us the lectures of Bob Ingersoll。

It seems to me that the general education a child receives at school is absolutely useless。 I remember that in the classroom I was either considered amazingly intelligent and at the head of my class, or quite hopelessly stupid and at the bottom of the class。It all depended on a trick of memory, and whether I had taken the trouble to memorise the subject we were given to learn。And I really had not the slightest idea what it was about。Whether I was at the head or the foot of the class, it was all to me a weary time in which I watched the clock until the hand pointed to three, and we were free。My real education came during the evenings, when my mother played to us Beethoven, Schumann, Schubert, Mozart, Chopin, or read aloud to us from Shakespeare, Shelley, Keats, or Burns。These hourswere to us enchanted。My mother recited most of the poetry by heart and I, in imitation of her, one day at a school festival, at the age of six, electrified my audience by reciting William Lytle's“Antony to Cleopatra”:

“I am dying, Egypt, dying!

Ebbs the crimson life?tide fast。”

On another occasion, when the teacher required of each pupil to write the history of their lives, my story ran somewhat in this wise:

“When I was five we had a cottage on 23rd Street。 Failing to pay the rent, we could not remain there but moved to 17th Street, and in a short time, as funds were low, the landlord objected, so we moved to 22nd Street, where we were not allowed to live peacefully but were moved to 10th Street。”

The history continued in this way, with an infinite number of removals。 When I rose to read it to the school, the teacher became very angry。She thought I was playing a bad joke, and I was sent to the principal, who sent for my mother。When my poor mother read the paper she burst into tears and vowed that it was only too true。Such was our nomadic existence。

I hope that schools have changed since I was a little girl。 My memory of the teaching of the public schools is thatit showed a brutal incomprehension of children。I also remember the misery of trying to sit still on a hard bench with an empty stomach, or cold feet in wet shoes。The teacher appeared to me to be an inhuman monster who was there to torture us。And of these sufferings children will never speak。

I can never remember suffering from our poverty at home, where we took it as a matter of course;it was only at school that I sufered。 To a proud and sensitive child the public school system, as I remember it, was as humiliating as a penitentiary。I was always in revolt against it。

When I was about six years old, my mother came home one day and found that I had collected half a dozen babies of the neighbourhood—all of them too young to walk—and had them sitting before me on the floor while I was teaching them to wave their arms。 When she asked the explanation of this, I informed her that it was my school of the dance。She was amused, and, placing herself at the piano, she began to play for me。This school continued and became very popular。Later on, little girls of the neighbourhood came, and their parents paid me a small sum to teach them。This was the beginning of what afterwards proved a very lucrative occupation。

When I was ten years old the classes were so large that I informed my mother that it was useless for me to go to school any more, as it was only a waste of time when I could be making money, which I considered far more important。 I put up my hair on the top of my head andsaid that I was sixteen。As I was very tall for my age every one believed me。My sister Elizabeth, who was brought up by our grandmother, afterwards came to live with us and joined in the teaching of these classes。We became in great demand and taught in many houses of the wealthiest people in San Francisco。