It is my duty, my imperative and bounden duty. If I did notdischarge it, I should be a base and guilty wretch. Having saidthat, my lips are sealed, and I can say no more."
As though she felt relieved at having said so much, and had nervedherself to the remainder of her task, she spoke from this time witha firmer voice and heightened courage.
"Heaven is my witness, as my own heart is--and yours, dear younglady, will speak for me, I know--that I have lived, since that timewe all have bitter reason to remember, in unchanging devotion, andgratitude to this family. Heaven is my witness that go where Imay, I shall preserve those feelings unimpaired. And it is mywitness, too, that they alone impel me to the course I must take,and from which nothing now shall turn me, as I hope for mercy."
"These are strange riddles," said Mr Haredale.
"In this world, sir," she replied, "they may, perhaps, never beexplained. In another, the Truth will be discovered in its owngood time. And may that time," she added in a low voice, "be fardistant!"
"Let me be sure," said Mr Haredale, "that I understand you, for Iam doubtful of my own senses. Do you mean that you are resolvedvoluntarily to deprive yourself of those means of support you havereceived from us so long--that you are determined to resign theannuity we settled on you twenty years ago--to leave house, andhome, and goods, and begin life anew--and this, for some secretreason or monstrous fancy which is incapable of explanation, whichonly now exists, and has been dormant all this time? In the nameof God, under what delusion are you labouring?"
"As I am deeply thankful," she made answer, "for the kindness ofthose, alive and dead, who have owned this house; and as I wouldnot have its roof fall down and crush me, or its very walls dripblood, my name being spoken in their hearing; I never will againsubsist upon their bounty, or let it help me to subsistence. Youdo not know," she added, suddenly, "to what uses it may be applied;into what hands it may pass. I do, and I renounce it."
"Surely," said Mr Haredale, "its uses rest with you."
"They did. They rest with me no longer. It may be--it IS--devotedto purposes that mock the dead in their graves. It never canprosper with me. It will bring some other heavy judgement on thehead of my dear son, whose innocence will suffer for his mother"sguilt."
"What words are these!" cried Mr Haredale, regarding her withwonder. "Among what associates have you fallen? Into what guilthave you ever been betrayed?"
"I am guilty, and yet innocent; wrong, yet right; good inintention, though constrained to shield and aid the bad. Ask me nomore questions, sir; but believe that I am rather to be pitied thancondemned. I must leave my house to-morrow, for while I staythere, it is haunted. My future dwelling, if I am to live inpeace, must be a secret. If my poor boy should ever stray thisway, do not tempt him to disclose it or have him watched when hereturns; for if we are hunted, we must fly again. And now thisload is off my mind, I beseech you--and you, dear Miss Haredale,too--to trust me if you can, and think of me kindly as you havebeen used to do. If I die and cannot tell my secret even then (forthat may come to pass), it will sit the lighter on my breast inthat hour for this day"s work; and on that day, and every day untilit comes, I will pray for and thank you both, and trouble you nomore.
With that, she would have left them, but they detained her, andwith many soothing words and kind entreaties, besought her toconsider what she did, and above all to repose more freely uponthem, and say what weighed so sorely on her mind. Finding her deafto their persuasions, Mr Haredale suggested, as a last resource,that she should confide in Emma, of whom, as a young person and oneof her own sex, she might stand in less dread than of himself.