Mrs. Todgers looked a little puzzled to know what this might mean, as well she might; for it was, as the reader may perchance remember, Mr. Pecksniff's usual form of advertisement when he wanted a pupil; and seemed to have no particular reference, at present, to anything. But Mr. Pecksniff held up his finger as a caution to her not to interrupt him.
`Do you know any parent or guardian, Mrs. Todgers,' said Mr. Pecksniff, `who desires to avail himself of such an opportunity for a young gentleman?
An orphan would be preferred. Do you know of any orphan with three or four hundred pound?'
Mrs. Todgers reflected, and shook her head.
`When you hear of an orphan with three or four hundred pound,' said Mr. Pecksniff, `let that dear orphan's friends apply, by letter post-paid, to S. P., Post Office, Salisbury. I don't know who he is exactly. Don't be alarmed, Mrs. Todgers,' said Mr. Pecksniff, falling heavily against her: `Chronic -- chronic! Let's have a little drop of something to drink.'
`Bless my life, Miss Pecksniffs!' cried Mrs. Todgers, aloud, `your dear pa's took very poorly!'
Mr. Pecksniff straightened himself by a surprising effort, as every one turned hastily towards him; and standing on his feet, regarded the assembly with a look of ineffable wisdom. Gradually it gave place to a smile; a feeble, helpless, melancholy smile; bland, almost to sickliness.
`Do not repine, my friends,' said Mr. Pecksniff, tenderly. `Do not weep for me. It is chronic.' And with these words, after ****** a futile attempt to pull off his shoes, he fell into the fire-place.
The youngest gentleman in company had him out in a second. Yes, before a hair upon his head was singed, he had him on the hearth-rug. -- Her father!
She was almost beside herself. So was her sister. Jinkins consoled them both. They all consoled them. Everybody had something to say, except the youngest gentleman in company, who with a noble self-devotion did the heavy work, and held up Mr. Pecksniff's head without being taken notice of by anybody. At last they gathered round, and agreed to carry him up-stairs to bed. The youngest gentleman in company was rebuked by Jinkins for tearing Mr. Pecksniff's coat! Ha, ha! But no matter.
They carried him up-stairs, and crushed the youngest gentleman at every step. His bedroom was at the top of the house, and it was a long way; but they got him there in course of time. He asked them frequently on the road for a little drop of something to drink. It seemed an idiosyncrasy. The youngest gentleman in company proposed a draught of water. Mr. Pecksniff called him opprobious names for the suggestion.
Jinkins and Gander took the rest upon themselves, and made him as comfortable as they could, on the outside of his bed; and when he seemed disposed to sleep, they left him. But before they had all gained the bottom of the staircase, a vision of Mr. Pecksniff, strangely attired, was seen to flutter on the top landing. He desired to collect their sentiments, it seemed, upon the nature of human life.
`My friends,' cried Mr. Pecksniff, looking over the banisters, `let us improve our minds by mutual inquiry and discussion. Let us be moral.
Let us contemplate existence. Where is Jinkins?'
`Here,' cried that gentleman. `Go to bed again'
`To bed!' said Mr. Pecksniff. `Bed! 'Tis the voice of the sluggard, I hear him complain, you have woke me too soon, I must slumber again. If any young orphan will repeat the remainder of that ****** piece from Doctor Watts's collection an eligible opportunity now offers.'
Nobody volunteered.
`This is very soothing,' said Mr. Pecksniff, after a pause. `Extremely so. Cool and refreshing; particularly to the legs! The legs of the human subject, my friends, are a beautiful production. Compare them with wooden legs, and observe the difference between the anatomy of nature and the anatomy of art. Do you know,' said Mr. Pecksniff, leaning over the banisters, with an odd recollection of his familiar manner among new pupils at home, `that I should very much like to see Mrs. Todgers's notion of a wooden leg, if perfectly agreeable to herself!'
As it appeared impossible to entertain any reasonable hopes of him after this speech, Mr. Jinkins and Mr. Gander went up-stairs again, and once more got him into bed. But they had not descended to the second floor before he was out again; nor, when they had repeated the process, had they descended the first flight, before he was out again. In a word, as often as he was shut up in his own room, he darted out afresh, charged with some new moral sentiment, which he continually repeated over the banisters, with extraordinary relish, and an irrepressible desire for the improvement of his fellow creatures that nothing could subdue.
Under these circumstances, when they had got him into bed for the thirtieth time or so, Mr. Jinkins held him, while his companion went down-stairs in search of Bailey junior, with whom he presently returned. That youth having been apprised of the service required of him, was in great spirits, and brought up a stool, a candle, and his supper; to the end that he might keep watch outside the bedroom door with tolerable comfort.
When he had completed his arrangements, they locked Mr. Pecksniff in, and left the key on the outside; charging the young page to listen attentively for symptoms of an apoplectic nature, with which the patient might be troubled, and, in case of any such presenting themselves, to summon them without delay. To which Mr. Bailey modestly replied that `he hoped he knowed wot o'clock it wos in gineral, and didn't date his letters to his friends, from Todgers's, for nothing.'